Thursday, June 2, 2016

Perspective.

It is funny, I was looking at past blog posts and realized all I'd have to do is replace the names and my life is basically repeating itself- except Johnny is the Caity, William is the Johnny, and Matthew is the William. 

Sometimes the monotony of my everyday life gets to me. Sometimes it feels like endless cleaning, sorting, cooking, separating, responding... Sometimes I realize I literally had not one minute to myself (yes, I am including showers and bathroom time in there...William learned how to unlock doors.) Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try to perfect the routine around the house, it fails miserably. Sometimes I focus on that. I focus on the day in-day out, repetitive, underappreciated contributions I try to make to my family. 

After a few days of mulling these negative feelings around in my mind, I thought of different solutions. I began looking into Master's programs so I could become a therapist or teach, I looked into a couple of agencies that needed assistance in areas that coincided with my schooling and I was excited about. However, I felt a strong impression that neither of these paths was right for me right now. It is the same impression from the Holy Ghost that has yet to steer me wrong. So, although I felt confident that being home full time was what I needed to be doing, I also felt confused and overwhelmed with what that entailed and I started letting those frustrations rain on my parade.

I finally had a break through today.  I felt a wave of impressions representing every thing I love about staying home with my kids. I love when I can sense something is wrong with one of my children before they even realize it, and I love praying it out, then guiding that child in the right direction. I love that I get to use that mother's intuition. I thought about how nice it is to be needed by them. Every morning I go through mental goals I would like to accomplish with each child and every night I evaluate how successful we were in our progress.  They range from more practical things like helping William pronounce words better to more emotional things like making sure Johnny isn't feeling forgotten as the (semi) middle child. There are little moments in my every day that are hard to describe- little smiles, chunky arms, slobbery kisses, silly giggles...that really warm me to the core. Even though they are insignificant...I know they are what matters because they are products of time spent with my children. I am basically failing daily in the million and one ways I feel I should have a grip on by now, but I know as I turn to God I can succeed in the areas HE needs me to...and in turn find the joy and fulfillment I seek.

It occurred to me today that tasks of my daily life I struggle with are just a temporary mundane part of this season, that I was confusing with my identity as a stay at home mom- but really, in time the laundry, cleaning, cooking....will be less imposing and urgent as my kids grow older and take on more responsibilities. At the same time my role as a mother and nurturer will remain strong and needed.  

Today God showed me the light at the end of this sometimes dark tunnel. He taught me that the light I am seeking, and reaching towards, is created through my every day interactions with these children.

Eventually I won't smell like spit up, I won't blow most of my budget on diapers, I won't be scrubbing banana from the carpet. However, I will always have that opportunity to pray for my children, to guide them to their Father in heaven, to encourage them, to mourn with them, to teach them, to be humbled by them, and to enjoy them. 
How grateful I am for that realization today.

How grateful I am to be a mother, and to be present.
Here's to creating those moments that brighten the light at the end of the tunnel!

3 comments:

Shane Christiansen said...

Oh I just love this post! So beautifully written. I'm glad you write these things down! Thanks for keeping it real and recognizing God in your life. Life is Good :)

Shane Christiansen said...

And that awkward moment where I didn't realize I was logged into my husband's account. You know who this is really from. Ha! Life is Good :)

Lauren and Michael said...

Mary!! Seeing you was exactly why I ended up on a crazy long road trip that scared my brother-in-law from having kids! Seeing you be such an amazing mommy was just what I needed to lift me up and see the light all around! Being a mom is SOOO hard!!! Thank you for blogging!! You're the best!!!

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