This was one of my favorite Easters yet. I feel like we got to do all the fun, festive things, but because of General Conference, it was a low key weekend. There was a lot of peace in my home- and heaven knows, I needed that!
By the time I went to bed Sunday night, I thought: what a perfect day and perfect celebration of Christ's atonement and resurrection.
I don't remember much about the details, just the over all feeling and wanted to at least throw some of these pictures on the blog so they aren't lost!
When easter falls on April Fool's Day, your dad may give you chocolate cover RAW eggs. I feel like this needed to be documented.
I
usually feel it coming a few days out. It starts out feeling like I am speeding
down a road and I know at any moment I will hit black ice. Then I hit it.
I spin out of control and I know if I grip the steering wheel and try to
redirect it, I will only make the situation worse. So I throw my hands in the
air and I let my circumstances direct me because I don't know how to steer
myself out of the spin I find myself in. Soon, I crash in a hole, a dark
and deep hole. The car is gone and I'm alone. I'm swallowed in blackness. I
don't care. I don't feel. Far above me I see a light to the outside world. The
opening is too far to reach. I see life happening and I ache to be a part of
it. This makes the blackness seem all the more suffocating. I feel alone. Sometimes
I’ll get my head above the surface for a short time before my strength and will
power give out, I fall back down. The brief moment is shattered and I am alone
in the world my mind created for me. I watch John and the kids as an
outsider and I want to be there but I can't. I go through the motions repeat
over and over again: “Just fake it, ‘til you make it.” Sometimes when I
try to explain to people what I am feeling, I feel stupid and dramatic- like
I'm making this all up. The answer to all the pain seems simple: just stop it.
But I can't. Because I'm trapped. I'm alone. And all I can do is hug my knees
and close myself to the physical darkness that I feel closing in on me. But the
unfortunate consequence is that I also close out the light. And the joy. And I
hate myself....because I can't handle the darkness and now everyone around me
suffers along side of me. I close my eyes and I feel God trying to tell me
everything I have to hold on to and every thing I have to be happy about and
find joy and I want to be that person. But I just....can't. I don't know how to get there.
Back track, 2016 years ago today, Jesus Christ lay in a physical dark hole, similar to my mental one. It was a tomb closed off from the world by a large rock. He suffered sorrow and pain to his death. But darkness and death could not keep Him. He rose from the grave, from the darkness, from the pain... and He lived. Originally, I titled this post "The Truth," because these are true feelings I experience at times, and it took courage admitting it. But immediately, I realized the darkness and the hard feelings were "The Lie." It is the lie Satan would have me cling to. It's the same lie that he wanted people to believe when Christ was crucified. That all hope was lost, and that the Savior would not rise from the dark tomb in which he was buried. But Christ didn't come to this earth to die and remain in darkness.
He came to live. He came to bring light.
And so did I.
And through Christ, I can.
He can roll away "my stone" and reach His hand down and raise me to light.
"Forget Me Not" by Annie Henrie
I don't experience depression all the time. Sometimes it lasts weeks, sometimes it only lasts a day or two, sometimes there are long intermissions between and sometimes it feels like I can't get away, ever. I don't want people feeling pity for me here. I chose to come to this Earth and I knew I would experience infirmities. I love that I get to experience this life, and I don't want people to pity me because at times it is hard. It's like watching someone run a marathon and half way through you see them looking tired and worn out- you don't shout, "Oh I'm sorry! I don't know how you do it!" You say, "You got this! Keep pushing through! It's going to be worth it in the end!" This life is surely going to be worth it, the good times and the bad times.
This post isn't about my struggle with depression though, it is about the answer- it is about how through Jesus Christ I know I can overcome it.
The atonement of Jesus Christ means to me: I don't have to be alone. That despite of myself, I can find peace in the darkness of my hole. Sometimes I feel Him lift me completely out. Other times I just feel Him there, experiencing the pain with me, and those times that is exactly what I need as I navigate through, strengthening my tools to battle "the demon." I am grateful to have His comfort and encouragement. I know I am allowing Christ's influence in my life when "the lows" aren't really low, but I feel them pushing me and making me stronger. And despite the clouds, I can feel the light on the horizon. This hope is all because of my Savior. He brings me peace, companionship, hope and redemption.
I know Christ lives, and because of Him, I can live too.
He is the answer, He is the way, He is the light and He is the life.
I pray that as I turn to him, I too can find a "new life," away from darkness.
A life woven with peace, joy, love, and Him. A life repaired and made whole through Jesus Christ.
As Jesus Christ gave his life for me, I pray I can give my life to Him.
The love of Jesus Christ is the answer, as we seek it, embrace it, share it, and make it the lens in which we view the world, we can overcome any darkness within us and any darkness that arises externally in our world.
It was a good one, great one. I really like the ages my kids are right now. I think it is what I love most about my life. They teach me so much and they add a lightness to my soul!
I feel like Easter is such a peaceful time.
On Monday I made one of those 12-egg advent things that I used to do with my mom- you know, with different scriptures and objects with each egg. I was extremely proud of myself! It was pretty fun and a cool experience to do with my kids- granted the only part I think they remembered was the nails because John poked them with the nail.
Throughout the week I tried to do Easter things so that my kids could really understand the meaning of Easter before the plethora of Easter egg hunts that were bound to occur East weekend. It was a pretty neat experience bearing my testimony of the Savior to them again and again. For some reason, Johnny thought the giant stone was a snow ball and that was his favorite part of the whole story!
We had an Easter egg hunt at John's school on Friday and then on Saturday we had one at church.
My mom made Caity a dress for her and her doll, needless to say Caity felt pretty special- it was so cute too.
The Easter bunny came and Caity explained to me it was just someone in a costume (she could see up his sleeve.) Johnny, on the other hand, was MESMERIZED! It was pretty cute. Meanwhile, William just sucked my hair.
Neither of us like this picture of us- but oh my gosh, I just like us together!
We died Easter eggs on Saturday night and then headed to Stake conference. This was one of my favorite parts of the weekend, it is just so nice for us all to take a moment, stop and spend time together being creative.
We had visiting general authority, Elder Craig Christensen came and spoke. Saturday he talked about missionary work and on Sunday well, he talked about a lot of things- one thing I like was how we need to "try on" the gospel and really feel it to know if it is true.
Sunday morning was great. I think my favorite part of the entire weekend was sitting on my bed with my kids and reading the Easter story and bearing my testimony to them. They are young enough that they sat and listened and weren't distracted by the excitement of baskets and eggs, so we really had a special moment. Then it was time for the Easter egg hunt and Easter baskets- it was just so much fun! Johnny got a toy elephant in his basket and he thought it was the coolest thing in the whole world (his "biggest wish" is to see a real life elephant!) Next we had a big family breakfast- with the works- it was my second favorite part of the day, all of us sitting together around the table eating a nice breakfast together.
It was off to Stake Conference at that point. Caity wore her dress from Shaylee's wedding and felt like a queen! She would just walk with her chin up, it was so cute. After conference we were putting away chairs and Elder Christensen came up and talked to the kids, it was pretty cool. I really liked how positive and pumped he was about the gospel.
For dinner we had ham and cheesy potatoes- and let's be honest, I am the only one who ate the broccoli. We had planned on watching the Testaments but our neighbors stopped by and asked that we do an Easter egg hunt with them. We figured, why not? Besides, three Easter egg hunts just didn't seem like enough. :) The kids had a great time. Johnny just kept saying "Dad says I get as many as I want!" Caity kept helping the younger kids, and William kept sucking on my hair.
Aren't these two the cutest??
Anyway, that was our weekend.
I want you to know that I know my Savior lives. He did what no one else could and because of Him we will be able to live as families forever. We can be cleansed and strengthened through His atoning sacrifice. I know that to be true.
Saturday morning, I was up before the sun. I made hot chocolate and stepped outside to watch the sun rise, I felt such a peace in my heart as I reflected the reality that Christ did live again. I am grateful for that moment and I know through Him we can have ever lasting peace.
Sorry- so much to read- I guess I just got a little carried away, and two posts in one day! Am I on a roll or what? :)
