Seeking Peace, Choosing Hope

 Today is General Conference for our church. I am so grateful for this tradition of gathering in faith. I believe with my whole heart that President Nelson is a prophet of God. I know when I take his direction and meaningfully apply it to my life, I have felt an added power in my life, deeper understanding of who I am in God's plan, and an increased connection with Christ.

This year has been interesting for our family, our state, country, and our world. From natural disasters, to deep discord among each others, to a pandemic, and so many issues. My heart is yearning.

My main questions are:

Where can I turn for peace? Of course, I can turn to my Savior. In all the conflict and chaos and happenings, where is Christ in all this? What should I invest my time and energy in that reflects and builds my love for Jesus.

How can I raise strong sons and daughter. How do I best teach them truths, help them internalize them and be strong and trusting enough to stand for truth.

What must I do to be sufficient for what God has called me to do in this life?

I have faith that I will gain a better eternal context this weekend and will be more sure of which direction I should walk to follow Him. I am praying for the speakers, for members to be one in heart, and for my family that we may internalize the whisperings of the Spirit

A flash back pictures from four years ago:

My sweet little babies!! What an incredible conference this will be today!

Three Testimonies

This blog has become a special kind of record for my family. I have a journal I keep for my most personal thoughts, but I have found this little space has served a wonderful purpose. In its  short life, I have been able to praise God by recording snippets of our life, and acknowledge His hand in it all.  Older posts expressing testimony have served as a strength to me when I was struggling. For that purpose, I wanted to share three testimonies I have given the last couple weeks. This is a bit lengthy, but I think we're past apologies for my long-winded ways, are we not?

Primary

First is an excerpt from an email I sent to our ward's primary presidency. Primary is the children's organization. A presidency consists of a President, two counselors, and a secretary. The presidency focuses on many of the administration tasks of the children's organization, and sets the tone as we strive help children hear the voice of the spirit, feel Jesus' love for them, and understand their identity as children of God. We recently called two new counselors, and in a way it has been a fresh start.

Here is the excerpt:

"In risking this being the longest email ever, I wanted to share some of my own thoughts from this last week as this presidency is getting a reboot. Since being called back in February, I have often felt out of place and at time frustrated I couldn't get my life more organized to perform more efficiently as a president (especially since Covid-19 hit us about a month in!) This week as I've thought about us four serving together, I have felt such sincere love, appreciation, and hope. It is clear to me that God wants each of us here with our unique circumstance, perspective, history, current season of life, and talents and gifts. For me, that realization hit a new level. God knew I was in a busy season of my life. He knew that maybe in ten years, I would likely be more mentally available to go above and beyond in very natural and fulfilling ways. But He didn't call me ten years into the future, He called me for right now. He called me knowing there were more urgent priorities in my life than primary, and that is OK. I am not saying I should not strive to be better, but I realize rather than focusing on the energy I cannot seem to bring to the table, I need to be more bold on what I do bring. I love each child in this primary with my whole heart. They bring me joy. I feel such gratitude and compassion for our amazing teachers and leaders. I have a deep and personal relationship with my Savior and this work. I have a firm testimony, given by the Holy Ghost, that God is preparing these children for a special and divine work. Without knowing specifics, I feel the magnitude of what they were foreordained to do. It is humbling. This renewed conversion is helping me see truly how through small and simple contributions, the Lord will magnify each of us and great things will be brought to pass."

 And here are my primary age kids, for lack of a more fitting picture. BUT I LOVE THESE FOUR SO MUCH. My mom sewed these ties and this dress for my kids for Easter. 

Owning What I Believe

The second excerpt is from a conversation I had with a friend. This friend has been weighing different elements of her faith this last year. We have a close friendship, and I could empathize with all the information she was trying to sift through. The last couple weeks, she had hit a wall and after putting so many items on her mental shelf, the shelf broke. I received a text in Costco with her informing me she was taking a some steps back from church. My heart sank for a few reasons. Mostly, I felt the pain she must be feeling in her search for truth. I wasn't sure how to respond initially. I wanted her to know I loved her, felt the heaviness with her, respected her, and I also felt this distinct impression to share my testimony. I knew many of the elements she was weighing in on, and was worried about offending her. The spirit came swiftly and clearly, "Why do I have a testimony if not for a time such as this? Be bold, but not overbearing, to believe has been an incredible gift I do not want to take for granted." 

The following was my text:

"I meant what I said last week that I feel you are exactly what [is needed], where ever you're at. We haven't chatted in a while, I'd love to hear how re-centering on Christ and the new testament has gone. This can't be easy, I know you wouldn't step [take this step] unless you felt confident in the direction you are going, so of course as a friend I love and support every step of your journey. I do have a firm testimony of the gospel. Every part of it. From God and Jesus Christ appearing to Joseph Smith, to the temple and the power of covenants made there, to the understanding this church has given me of my Savior through the truths of modern revelation. I've worked hard for that testimony, and have gone through a refiner's fire to appreciate it. Naturally, I think "staying" is the right course for every single person, but I get we are all on a journey and I support you on yours. I can't imagine any of this is easy for you. Is there anything I can say at this point to get you hold on a little longer? 

Then later, "I love you too. And I know God loves you and you aren't alone as you sort through all this. I don't *know* everything, but that much I do. You are incredible and you have value. I'm here for you friend."

The biggest take away from this experience for me was the power of believing. Often, in striving to know all the secrets of the universe, I negate the beautiful strength and blessings faith gives me. For example, 

• I believe in priesthood authority, and I believe  the Temple is God's house, but I what I know is that God honors the covenants we make there because I've felt it firsthand, and I know priesthood power and authority has opened up heaven in a unique and direct way for me, personally.
• I believe in Joseph Smith's first vision, but I know when I pray to God about it, I feel peace and clarity. 
• I believe President Nelson is an ordained Prophet from God. I know, from experimenting on his direction, he prophecies truth that has brought my family and me closer to Jesus Christ. 
• I believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, but I know that when I read it consistently, I feel more joy in my life and a broader context of what it means to be a child of God. 
• I believe Jesus Christ lived and died for us, but I know that when I have repented or sought comfort, I emerged a new creature. I would be foolish to claim it as anything short of a miracle.

God asks us to believe without seeing, we come to know firsthand through interactive experiences with the Holy Ghost. Though we enter the gate believing, once therein we come to sure knowledge as we experiment on that belief and seek a more true conversation. This is the power of faith, it's a beautiful weave of belief and knowledge. Some days my testimony feels quite obvious to me, other days I really have to seek answers and a deeper understanding to strengthen my conviction to what I believe and what I know. I am proud of what I know because it is a map of earnest desire to know my Savior, and fulfill my purpose in Him.

Brassell Book of Mormon Challenge

Last Sunday I woke up feeling strongly I needed to open my scriptures. I was reading about Christ appearing to the people in the Americas after His resurrection. I felt a warmth and peace that what I was reading was beautiful and a sent from God. I mourned briefly that our family had dropped the ball on Come Follow Me this year as our entire church has focused on studying the Book of Mormon. I remember thinking, "What a missed opportunity." Then swiftly, the Spirit impressed in my mind a memory. Two years ago, President Nelson challenged the women of the church to read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of the year. As if drawn out on a receipt, I recalled all the blessings I felt in our family's life as Cate and I accepted that invitation. I then felt all the blessings that would come to our family if we did this same exercise this year as an entire family. I thought of the challenges we would have, but was so eager for the blessings I felt God was promising. I weighed this in mind, then got on my knees seeking assurance that this was indeed an invitation from Heavenly Father, and not some vain imagination of a desperate women trying to overcompensate. I felt peace, confidence, and joy. I presented the idea to John, who also felt the Spirit in this unique and specific revelation. We had kinks to work out, but even as opposition arose in the execution of this plan, I felt more assurance that God was in the details of this undertaking.  It is amazing to me that when we act on promptings of the Holy Ghost in faith, how immediate some blessings come. Though it hasn't been easy-peezy every step of the way, it has been remarkable to see children more capable in their reading and comprehension, and see time open in up in my and John's schedule.  My testimony here is not about the Book of Mormon so much, as about personal revelation. More specifically, on Sunday, God revealed to me a direction specifically for our family to read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of 2020. I am grateful God doesn't leaving us guessing, but guides us on this journey. 

John reading scriptures with the younger boys.

How Things are Going

Yesterday I had to go to the elementary school for a PTO board meeting. It gave me just enough quiet time to evaluate how things are going two weeks into the school year. I feel like I am living in this in between space in which on one hand, I cannot ignore the very tough parts of my days. I am sometimes exhausted and unmotivated, emotionally-tug-o-warring my kids to endure their zoom meetings and school work. However, I feel like it would be equally false to sidestep the feelings of relief at small successes, and the divine boosts I've received mid-day.

Monday felt like it was 155 hours long. Tuesday was a miracle in which everyone had a "good" day. Wednesday there was a little conflict, but swift resolution. Thursday I gave up keeping everything in tact, and surprisingly to me; the world did not crash down. 

We've managed to have consistent "Morning Meetings" and consistent family dinners. For me, these daily traditions have established that, no matter what happens throughout the day; we are a family and we are here for each other. Starting the day with opening our scriptures, then ending the day sharing our best/worst parts of the day and laughing with each other while sharing a meal has provided life with that "spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down." 

I imagine this is what life is, actually. Meaning, most days cannot be categorized into happy days or sad days, or good days or bad days, or chaotic days or peaceful days. Each day that we are gifted provides us experiences that layer richness in life. It is for us to choose how to consume and distribute what we are given in a day. For example, a good day is a day I choose to see progress and purpose, happy days are days I choose to be grateful, peaceful days are days I focus on Jesus Christ, my Savior.

So how are things going? Forward. I pray I can be present enough to appreciate each step (even if it's in hindsight!)

The Last Day of Summer

Today was the perfect day to end a sweet summer. 

Last night we had our Fourth Annual Back to School Celebration. We decorated our dining room, divided our meal into three courses, and used my wedding china as we honored Cate, Johnny, William, and Matthew. We toasted to the end of a glorious summer that filled our memory buckets overflowing. We welcomed in a new school year with an excited anxiety, for lack of a better emotion. John and I introduced our 2020/21 school year theme, "By small and simple things, are great things brought to pass." Despite the hurdles and the unknown this year, if we just focus on doing small and simple acts with faith, be it acts of kindness, courage, service, order, gratitude, learning, forgiveness...whatever it may be...when done in faith, we can be assured that the Lord will bring about great things, even mighty things, and we will be witnesses of His love, mercy, and power. We gifted each child a watch so they would remember to "make time for the small and simple things." (You know I love a good pun.) John gave each of us a father's blessing, and I felt so grateful for this family of mine. We have a lot of growth ahead, but what a tender mercy that we get to do it together!

Our theme hanging on the fridge.

Here's the remnants of our decorations after we cleaned up the fancy table. I love, love, love back to school everything.

Knowing today was our last day of summer freedom, we decided to make the most of it and float the Rogue River. So after spending the morning giving our house a good school-prep cleaning, we loaded kids into the van, the raft into the truck, and tried to out drive the 100 degree weather.

It was the perfect day. The Cummings were also rafting, and floating with good friends made it all more celebratory. There were water fights, kids jumping ship, dance contests over the Rapids, and raft-ramming. The breeze kept us cool as we meandered with the current through layers of green trees. This float has such magnificent views! For a few hours we collectively felt a little more present, and grateful for our opportunity to live so fully. It was such a reset for me. 

So right before this picture, John did a back flip into the water. Right after this picture, William just up and did a front flip into the water! Crazy boys.

I had a van full of sleepy kids as I tailed behind John in his truck. I kept the old-school country music blaring as I took in the scenery of home. It was beautiful farms cuddling the evergreen hills I love, "Peaches for Sale" stands, and Hemp swaying in the wind. I felt content and full on life.

After we hauled our tired, slightly sunburned crew home, and had a barbecue. Everyone finished their food in record time. All the kids bathed and laid out their first-day-of-school outfits. We made lunches, and organized our "school areas." John took the kids for a ride on the four-wheelers, because he's the fun parent, and I made the kids finish up some last minute cleaning because I'm also the fun parent, haha. I feel like for the first time possibly ever, we finished everything according to the neurotic schedule I keep in my brain. Per my negotiations with Johnny,the kids then watched a couple episodes of Recess to wind down before bed.  

While the boys were occupied, Cate (no longer Caity, starting tomorrow) asked me to straighten her hair for the first day. We were able to talk through a lot of her worries and anxieties starting into a new school year. I felt so grateful to have this time with her. I was able to testify of God's awareness and love for her. I shared all the ways I had seen His hand in her life recently. So many of the little elements I felt inspired to prepare for this school year were direct answers to Cate's concerns, providing her peace. We read a book that made me cry, and I held my preteen trying to recapture how it felt when she fit in the crook of my arm. We said a prayer together and felt such peace and love from Heavenly Father. We prayed that she would be filled with memories of everyone who loves her and times she had overcome difficult things. We also prayed that the clouds of doubt, fear, and insecurity could be lifted for a time so Cate could more clearly feel God's love for her. It was a sacred moment I will always treasure with my sweet girl that is growing more independent every day. 

Everyone was in bed and asleep before 9:00 pm, which is amazing after this 6 month summer. John and I walked the dog, watched a show, and fell asleep satisfied we squeezed every drop from this summer we could. 

Now...ready or not...tomorrow commences the 2020/21 school year! At this point, I'm feeling delusionally optimistic. It's going to be a good year, or a least a year of growth, that's for sure!

(I mean, it's completely normal to wake up at 1:00 am for a quick blog session, right??)

PEAR-fect Morning

 At 5:30 AM, I felt a little tap on my shoulder. Caity was fully dressed smiling at me. She excitedly whispered, "Time to get up, so we aren't late!" Her anticipation was a sweet wake up call.

Thirty minutes later, we walked the rows of our church's pear orchard with ladders in tow.
We watched the sun rise as we filled our picking-sacks. We got into a rhythm and when eight o'clock rolled around, Caity didn't want to leave.
To be honest, I was not looking forward to this little outing. It seemed exhausting, maybe even monotonous. However, there is something peaceful about working at the pear orchard, I soften and my busy mind rests. Every step I take up the ladder feels lighter. I physically see my surroundings more clearly the higher I go, and in turn; my mental view elevates as well. As I climbed up, then down, then up again; my thoughts meandered through memories of John and my newlywed days working, schooling, and parenting a baby Caity. My current problems and worries didn't feel so heavy in the context of my broadened viewpoint.

One pear at a time we filled our satchels, and one satchel at a time we filled the crates. One crate at a time will load semi-trucks, and one truck at a time will fill a warehouse. A warehouse of pears will become a warehouse of canned pears. Cases of canned pears will be distributed to needs around the world. One can at a time will reach the hands of someone who hopefully feels the love of those who picked the pears months before. Perhaps they will feel the sweet joy eating them that Cate and I felt gathering them.

I picked one pear at a time, but it wasn't lost on me the larger impact a small and simple act will have. What a beautiful metaphor for life.
It was a blessed way to start the day. To share it with Caity made it all the better.

The World Turned Upside Down

On March 12th I:

• dropped Matthew off at joy school
• met with the PTO president about that afternoon's meeting
• grocery shopped, then decided to *not* buy anything in my cart because I was so overwhelmed by the crowds.
• planned Johnny's Battle of the Books team meeting that would happen right after school.
• ministered to a dear friend from church

Within one hour,

• Extra curricular activities, meetings, and volunteering responsibilities were canceled in order to slow progress of COVID-19, the Corona Virus.
• The kids' basketball leagues were cancelled.
• Preschool was cancelled.
• Sunday worship and all church gatherings were cancelled.
• Disneyland was closed.
• Missionaries from church were being sent home. 

It felt like the walls were closing in, and it was a lot to process in a short amount of time. I was in the pick-up line at school, and my phone kept buzzing with new notifications of closures. I parked the car, anxious to hear any updates from other parents. I remember standing outside the elementary school talking with everyone, trying to understand and guess the gravity of what was happening. Stores were declaring food and cleaning supply shortages, and offices were arranging for employees to work from home.

I felt nervous and stressed. We were out of food, and despite many promptings to do so; I did not have food storage prepared, especially for a quarantine. I felt an urgency to go shopping Thursday night, but as I prayed for wisdom, peacefulness washed over me. I felt the Spirit encouraging me to be patient and not get carried away in the circus of panic, (that was catching faster than the Corona Virus, honestly.) I felt reminded to be mindful of the moment. I chose to attend Johnny's team pizza party at the elementary school park. I am so grateful I did. I didn't realize at the time it would be the last social activity like I would do for a loooong time. It was also our last time hanging out with our friends, the Cummings.

On Friday, March 13th Governor Brown declared a "State of Emergency" requiring a massive shutdown to stop the spread of the virus. After I dropped the kids off at school, I looked over my grocery list, and prayed for direction. I felt the Holy Ghost prompt me which store to go to first (Winco), and what to purchase. Fellow shoppers and workers were kind and encouraging as I rang up a cart full of food to feed our family of six for a two week quarantine (at least). As I was leaving Winco, the crowds increased exponentially. There were cars lined up waiting for me to leave, and herds of people moving down aisles. I felt so grateful I missed the chaos, by going to Winco first thing..
I headed to Costco next. I said a prayer in the car with Matthew that I might know what to buy in what order, and that I would be able to see opportunities to serve others. As I walked in the store, I felt prompted to start with milk. Forty-five minutes later, it was sold out. Had I waited until the end to grab dairy, as usual, I wouldn't have gotten the milk. It was simple, but I felt grateful. In Utah, yeast was so sold out, and I was able to get some for my mom.
Two weeks prior to all this I acted on a nagging feeling to refill my cleaning and household supplies, including toilet paper, soaps and detergents. As I walked through Costco, all these shelves were empty. I felt grateful to have one less worry and cost. Because of saving and mindful spending, we had enough money to buy the needed food and supplies in the quantity needed. I felt humbled knowing this hasn't always been the case in other stages of our life, yet we've always been watched over.
As I mentioned earlier, I prayed to find people to comfort. Amid the chaos at the stores, and the fear on people's faces; I felt blessed with peace, and was able to connect and serve. I remember thinking clearly how in uncertain times like this, Satan wants us to feel fear and distrust. Meanwhile God would have us feel hope and have faith. As I waited in that long Costco line, I made a personal commitment to choose the latter. It isn't always so simple I know, but after experiencing so many personal, simple, and perhaps small "miracles" my morning, it was clear that God is present when I make time to see Him.

Caity's last practice Thursday Night before everything was canceled.

Caity at the spelling bee Thursday morning.

We had some of William's kinder friends over for a play date Friday after school, we miss them!

Our first Sunday with at-home church (it was such a good small worship with our little family!)

Thanksgiving

Posted from Instagram:
Grateful. For all of it.
Today we went four wheeling in Tillamook and I snuck off into a little grove of trees. The further into the forest I walked, the heavier the silence blanketed my heart. Soon it was just me, my thoughts, and beautiful Oregon. In that moment I saw everything as it really was, and I was overcome with gratitude for a Heavenly Father who has never abandoned me, and has blessed me so immensely. I thought about my husband and my kids. I thought about the ups and downs, the hopes and doubts, the joys and pains, the lessons learned and the ones I'm still learning. I embraced the many warm, happy moments in my mind where I felt encompassed by love from heaven. I considered the hard experiences that have propelled me to a deeper place or understanding and love for others. I couldn't count my blessings because they felt innumerable, so I just kind of gave them a mental hug and launched a thank you prayer to my Heavenly Father. I felt the spirit whisper to my heart, "This is life. And it is good." And it is.
I'm choosing to be grateful, for *all* of it.
#thanksgiving2018
And not to ruin the spirit of this post, but we also had a wall ball tournament in which I beat e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e,💃👊 beating young children at a game I bombed in elementary definitely made the highlight reel (coming close behind the mashed potatoes and gravy and William eating everything on his plate....even if all he dished up was sweet potatoe casserole.)

4:00 AM: Lost, then Found

Saturday morning I jolted awake at 4:00 am in a panic. The immediate thoughts sprinting circles in my mind were, "The kids are growing up. You're going to miss this.  Like, you are going to wake up one morning and it will all be over. What are your memories going to be?"

I immediately thought about memories I didn't want to have, like...my kids watching TV while I finished a project upstairs, or lecturing Johnny for not putting something away right,  or being too tired to go do something fun so just telling them to go play while I laid down, or going out and doing something fun, but being so stressed that I don't enjoy the moment. A fear gripped me that my kids were going to grow up, and these were the memories and regrets I would relive over and over again; or worse, that I would look back on this time and think: "What did I do with my kids when they were young?"

Well, I resolved right then (always at four in the morning) and there: that isn't going to be my story.
I started assembling every mothering hope and dream from the recesses of my mind. I began formulating a game plan. New images started reeling through my mind of the perfect mother making these perfect memories. We were going to play games together, go on hikes after school, work as a team side by side to keep the house clean, we were going to read more often,  and on and on.
My panic turned to excitement.... then turned to (very) overwhelmed; because hello, it's not like I wake up every morning with intentions of neglecting a day with my kids. Most days, I wake up excited to rock my kids' world. I typically wake up determined to manifest to my children  how amazing this life is, how limitless their potential is, and how much their mom loves them. Despite my sincerity in those early moments every morning, some days it is hard to follow through. Hence the predicament and panic I found myself in.

Saturday morning, my panic-turned-excitement-turned-overwhelmed...now transformed to a very sincere discouragement. Who was I kidding? What business did I have resetting failed goals? I thought, "My poor kids. I really think I'm ruining them. I love them, but they probably don't even know it....how could they know it?"

As I laid there, I let myself swim around in those self deprecating thoughts.  My heart was heavy.
I wish I could say I turned it around, but Matthew came waddling in my room and needed a 4:00 am bath. So, I set to taking care of him. After he was all clean, dry, and comfy;  we crawled into his bed, and he eventually fell asleep after kissing me on: both cheeks, my nose, and my forehead multiple times. When I woke up thirty minutes later with his little hand on my cheek, I thanked God for little moments like that.
I slipped back to my bedroom to find Johnny talking with John. He turned around and saw me, and I saw an instant relief in his face. John was convincing him that I disappeared, and wasn't coming back. (Yeah, I don't get John's sense of humor sometimes either. Haha.) Johnny went on to talk about all the reasons he would be sad if I was gone. I couldn't help but look at that shirtless, sleepy-eyed boy and melt over his tender heart.
The day went on and there were good moments and, admittedly, more moments I regret. My worries haunted me and despite all my brainstormed solutions, I felt very stuck, discouraged, and disappointed with my weaknesses as a mother.
I don't typically take pictures of the not-so-awesome moments, but here are a couple of my highlights:

Our kids are starting to really enjoy playing games these days, and we are really eating it up. (Even if William and Matthew just try to make patterns)

Caity and Johnny made submarines with built in cell phones! (Yes, they slid said submarines down the stairs!)

WE GOT A PIANO on Saturday! My husband loves me. :)

And what do you know....Caity recorded my not so good moment for me a few days ago:

So yes there are definite good moments among the blunders, but I still hadn't felt settled going to sleep Saturday night.

Which finds me here again at four in the morning; listening to rain drizzle outside, feeling a little lost.

Yet, in my darkest fears and weakness; I can recognize a sliver of hope. This hope isn't based off of aspiring goals or resolutions,  but this hope that comes from the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. This brand of hope is based off something more authentic and substantial than any self-made to-do list could possibly do. Despite my inabilities, I know things can still work out. How?

Through Jesus Christ, my Savior. He, alone, can redeem me in my sorrows, regrets, and daily struggles.
Because of Him, I know the weight of mistakes I've made can be lifted. Instead of regret, I can feel peace, hope, and understanding.  This happens through His atonement for me, for each of us. I also know Jesus' grace can enable me to rise above my shortcomings, and I can be made more capable then when I try on my own.

Yes, I don't have a lot of time left with the kids. And there have been days that were maybe wasted and there are realistically going to be more days where I will drop the ball. Yet: it will be OK. Because through Christ we can weave those days into our life's beautiful tapestry. The magnificent thing about the Savior's grace is that not only does He resolve our shortcomings and pains, but he magnifies our joys and successes.  So the beautiful tapestry we are weaving highlights these ups and downs and in-betweens into a breathtaking masterpiece of a life lived with the light of God. He doesn't expect perfection, but he does need us to keep weaving. Even on the hard days, we need to keep weaving our story. As we rely on Jesus Christ, our tapestry, our life, can testify the beauty of His grace and spread the joy His message brings.
So loooong winded post-short: despite my many shortcomings as a mother and well, as a person in general; I know it's going to be OK. Not because of some master plan of mine, but because of the Master's Plan for me. So, I'll keep trying and keep holding on and have faith that in the end it will all work out.
How grateful I am for my Savior, Jesus Christ.
His power is real. I have felt it sustain me and I know it will continue to do so as I turn to Him.
Here's to trying again. Then again. And letting go of fears so I can embrace faith and enjoy the Journey.

Motivated

Sometimes I kind of want to throw in the towel for the day. You know, go grab a cheeseburger, put the kids down for their naps and watch Fixer Upper for the afternoon drinking a milkshake...like for real, I totally thought about doing that just now.  Then God blessed me with the bigger picture and why I can't give in to that.

Today, I need to finish this homework, so I can go home to these people knowing that I am doing everything on my end as I work to become the woman God needs me to be. I want to be worthy of the blessings given me....particularly: John, Cate, Johnny, William, and Matthew.

Sometimes the only way through is through- you know... you can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through it? That's where I'm at right now.

I'm looking through the tunnel seeing a great evening with my family on the other side, but I have to get through this tunnel first.  Bah. I got this.

I   g o t    t h i s.

Pray for me. :)

Seriously though. haha

The Lie and The Answer

I usually feel it coming a few days out. It starts out feeling like I am speeding down a road and I know at any moment I will hit black ice.  Then I hit it. I spin out of control and I know if I grip the steering wheel and try to redirect it, I will only make the situation worse. So I throw my hands in the air and I let my circumstances direct me because I don't know how to steer myself out of the spin I find myself in.  Soon, I crash in a hole, a dark and deep hole. The car is gone and I'm alone. I'm swallowed in blackness. I don't care. I don't feel. Far above me I see a light to the outside world. The opening is too far to reach. I see life happening and I ache to be a part of it. This makes the blackness seem all the more suffocating. I feel alone. Sometimes I’ll get my head above the surface for a short time before my strength and will power give out, I fall back down. The brief moment is shattered and I am alone in the world my mind created for me.  I watch John and the kids as an outsider and I want to be there but I can't. I go through the motions repeat over and over again: “Just fake it, ‘til you make it.”  Sometimes when I try to explain to people what I am feeling, I feel stupid and dramatic- like I'm making this all up. The answer to all the pain seems simple: just stop it. But I can't. Because I'm trapped. I'm alone. And all I can do is hug my knees and close myself to the physical darkness that I feel closing in on me. But the unfortunate consequence is that I also close out the light. And the joy. And I hate myself....because I can't handle the darkness and now everyone around me suffers along side of me. I close my eyes and I feel God trying to tell me everything I have to hold on to and every thing I have to be happy about and find joy and I want to be that person. But I just....can't. I don't know how to get there.

Back track, 2016 years ago today, Jesus Christ lay in a physical dark hole, similar to my mental one. It was a tomb closed off from the world by a large rock. He suffered sorrow and pain to his death. But darkness and death could not keep Him. He rose from the grave, from the darkness, from the pain... and He lived. Originally, I titled this post "The Truth," because these are true feelings I experience at times, and it took courage admitting it. But immediately, I realized the darkness and the hard feelings were "The Lie." It is the lie Satan would have me cling to. It's the same lie that he wanted people to believe when Christ was crucified. That all hope was lost, and that the Savior would not rise from the dark tomb in which he was buried. But Christ didn't come to this earth to die and remain in darkness.

He came to live. He came to bring light.

And so did I. 

And through Christ, I can.  

He can roll away "my stone" and reach His hand down and raise me to light.

"Forget Me Not" by Annie Henrie

I don't experience depression all the time. Sometimes it lasts weeks, sometimes it only lasts a day or two, sometimes there are long intermissions between and sometimes it feels like I can't get away, ever.  I don't want people feeling pity for me here.  I chose to come to this Earth and I knew I would experience infirmities.  I love that I get to experience this life, and I don't want people to pity me because at times it is hard.  It's like watching someone run a marathon and half way through you see them looking tired and worn out- you don't shout, "Oh I'm sorry!  I don't know how you do it!" You say, "You got this! Keep pushing through! It's going to be worth it in the end!"  This life is surely going to be worth it, the good times and the bad times.
This post isn't about my struggle with depression though, it is about the answer- it is about how through Jesus Christ I know I can overcome it.
The atonement of Jesus Christ means to me: I don't have to be alone. That despite of myself, I can find peace in the darkness of my hole.  Sometimes I feel Him lift me completely out. Other times I just feel Him there, experiencing the pain with me, and those times that is exactly what I need as I navigate through, strengthening my tools to battle "the demon." I am grateful to have His comfort and encouragement. I know I am allowing Christ's influence in my life when "the lows" aren't really low, but I feel them pushing me and making me stronger. And despite the clouds, I can feel the light on the horizon. This hope is all because of my Savior. He brings me peace, companionship, hope and redemption.

I know Christ lives, and because of Him, I can live too.

He is the answer, He is the way, He is the light and He is the life.

I pray that as I turn to him, I too can find a "new life," away from darkness.

A life woven with peace, joy, love, and Him. A life repaired and made whole through Jesus Christ.

As Jesus Christ gave his life for me, I pray I can give my life to Him.

The love of Jesus Christ is the answer, as we seek it, embrace it, share it, and make it the lens in which we view the world, we can overcome any darkness within us and any darkness that arises externally in our world.

This is what Easter means to me.

May your's be bright and full of His love.

One Prayer at a Time

This morning I knelt by my bed and prayed. I know, I know, I need to do that every morning...but sometimes before I know it, it's three in the afternoon and it just hasn't happened yet. In seminary, Sister Goodrich taught us to always have a prayer in our heart, and heaven knows I try to do that...but not often enough do I find myself on my knees in delibrite prayer to God. 

I heard little footsteps come in my room, stop and turn back around, and soon after when I walked down the hall, I saw Johnny praying in his room and Caity praying in hers.

It struck me like a profound back of bricks, my actions do speak loudly to those kids.

I can't even tell you how different my day was, immediately I didn't recognize the cause, but I know as I look over my day, it was touched by God. My heart was softened, my ears heard His whisperings and my eyes saw the tender mercies of the Lord. 

Prayer is an amazing thing.

What a great gift we have to be able to communicate to our Father in Heaven!

On the last leg of our daily back-and-forth-walking exhibitions, our little group "hit a wall." 

The wind was blowing SO hard, we were all freezing, 3/5 of us were injured and we were just so ready to get home. Blankets were blowing and I was chasing, kids that weren't screaming were whining, none of us could feel our fingertips and the house was still about a half mile away. 

Ahead of us, I saw Caity pull into a little cove between buildings, I assumed to get a break from the wind. I caught sight of her just in time to see that 7 year old girl hop up from her knees, square her shoulders and with her chin up, she grabbed her bike and started encouraging Johnny.  She snuck into that cove to say a secret prayer for our family. Her faith strengthened me. 

I know this scene seems so theatrical, and big deal, it was a walk in the cold- but you had to be there, it was hard- and really, I felt for that last leg we were ministered to by heaven because of Caity's prayer. 

Bless her sincere faithful heart.

When we got home, it was amazing the peace that I felt watching all my kids help eachother and play together- I mean seriously, it was nothing short of a miracle. I watched Caity and Johnny put their own needs and complaints aside to help me calm down the younger two. Johnny shared the cookies he made in preschool and Caity (who was starving since school) didn't talk once about a snack until everyone else was taken care of.

I know this seems so cheesy and insignificant, but today was a reminder that God is in the details and if we look we can see His hand.