Good Outweighs the Bad

Man. Yesterday.

If I were to make a list of things that did not go well, and a list of things that did go well; the list of "not so well" would far outweigh the positive moments in number. What is interesting to note, however; is the significantly larger impact of the good moments. This is despite being the overwhelmed underdog in frequency. Yesterday felt like walking through a swamp. Covered in pokey blackberry bushes. In 100 degrees. With incessant whining the entire journey. Between power struggles, to forgetting car pool, to kids not following very important directions, to making a u-turn on the way to a playdate because some attitudes needed to be addressed, to being an hour late to preschool, to having to clean the house over and over and over again and it still looking messy, to not having healthy food and everyone snacking on processed junk and complaining to be hungry all day, to...well you get the idea. It was a day that I was emotionally quite spent and crawling through.

The miracle happens here in the word "despite." Despite that long list of grievances (and my accompanying attitude), I found myself deeply grateful for very treasured moments sprinkled through out the day. The evolution of memories is an interesting thing, and already in natural selection, though my yesterday was conflicted; I feel my life is more clearly defined by the good, and that is what I am carrying with me.

So, without further adieu, yesterday's highlights: 

John woke the boys up to go pheasant hunting. They experienced quite an adventure, and I love getting pictures like this, seeing all my boys together. Isn't it gorgeous?

Meanwhile, Cate and I finished the last Harry Potter movie! We made some Hot Cocoa, and escaped to the Wizarding World for the morning....some things are worth a tardy at a zoom meeting, and watching the defeat of Voldemort is one of those things.

Cate and Johnny got to play basketball with neighbor kids.

I got a my last two Halloween books in the mail yesterday. I snuggled on William's bed after his nap, and got to read the books with him and Matthew. (William is in the BEST mood after he naps.)

I colored with Johnny and Matthew this afternoon at the table.

Cate and I practiced using Royal Icing. I'm lousy at it, but Cate got the hang of it pretty quickly!

Though dinner was about two hours late, I got it done and we were able to sit down as a family and eat at 7:30 PM.  While I cooked, Johnny read me Tale of Desperaux, William colored and Matthew played with Rosco outside my kitchen window. (Cate was hiking with the church youth group.)

Another angle as we waited for dinner to finish cooking.

Spiderman and Black Panther seriously made me laugh so hard today.

Also: William labeled his Pokemon Collection and his little writing makes me so, so happy.

Family dinner went well as everyone talked about their day. Caity's best moment was Harry Potter, Johnny's was hunting and reading outloud to me, William's was reading in bed with me and hunting with dad, Matthew's was also hunting and then coloring with Mom.

So, I suppose I wasn't failing so much as it felt like I was as it played out in real time. 

Three Testimonies

This blog has become a special kind of record for my family. I have a journal I keep for my most personal thoughts, but I have found this little space has served a wonderful purpose. In its  short life, I have been able to praise God by recording snippets of our life, and acknowledge His hand in it all.  Older posts expressing testimony have served as a strength to me when I was struggling. For that purpose, I wanted to share three testimonies I have given the last couple weeks. This is a bit lengthy, but I think we're past apologies for my long-winded ways, are we not?

Primary

First is an excerpt from an email I sent to our ward's primary presidency. Primary is the children's organization. A presidency consists of a President, two counselors, and a secretary. The presidency focuses on many of the administration tasks of the children's organization, and sets the tone as we strive help children hear the voice of the spirit, feel Jesus' love for them, and understand their identity as children of God. We recently called two new counselors, and in a way it has been a fresh start.

Here is the excerpt:

"In risking this being the longest email ever, I wanted to share some of my own thoughts from this last week as this presidency is getting a reboot. Since being called back in February, I have often felt out of place and at time frustrated I couldn't get my life more organized to perform more efficiently as a president (especially since Covid-19 hit us about a month in!) This week as I've thought about us four serving together, I have felt such sincere love, appreciation, and hope. It is clear to me that God wants each of us here with our unique circumstance, perspective, history, current season of life, and talents and gifts. For me, that realization hit a new level. God knew I was in a busy season of my life. He knew that maybe in ten years, I would likely be more mentally available to go above and beyond in very natural and fulfilling ways. But He didn't call me ten years into the future, He called me for right now. He called me knowing there were more urgent priorities in my life than primary, and that is OK. I am not saying I should not strive to be better, but I realize rather than focusing on the energy I cannot seem to bring to the table, I need to be more bold on what I do bring. I love each child in this primary with my whole heart. They bring me joy. I feel such gratitude and compassion for our amazing teachers and leaders. I have a deep and personal relationship with my Savior and this work. I have a firm testimony, given by the Holy Ghost, that God is preparing these children for a special and divine work. Without knowing specifics, I feel the magnitude of what they were foreordained to do. It is humbling. This renewed conversion is helping me see truly how through small and simple contributions, the Lord will magnify each of us and great things will be brought to pass."

 And here are my primary age kids, for lack of a more fitting picture. BUT I LOVE THESE FOUR SO MUCH. My mom sewed these ties and this dress for my kids for Easter. 

Owning What I Believe

The second excerpt is from a conversation I had with a friend. This friend has been weighing different elements of her faith this last year. We have a close friendship, and I could empathize with all the information she was trying to sift through. The last couple weeks, she had hit a wall and after putting so many items on her mental shelf, the shelf broke. I received a text in Costco with her informing me she was taking a some steps back from church. My heart sank for a few reasons. Mostly, I felt the pain she must be feeling in her search for truth. I wasn't sure how to respond initially. I wanted her to know I loved her, felt the heaviness with her, respected her, and I also felt this distinct impression to share my testimony. I knew many of the elements she was weighing in on, and was worried about offending her. The spirit came swiftly and clearly, "Why do I have a testimony if not for a time such as this? Be bold, but not overbearing, to believe has been an incredible gift I do not want to take for granted." 

The following was my text:

"I meant what I said last week that I feel you are exactly what [is needed], where ever you're at. We haven't chatted in a while, I'd love to hear how re-centering on Christ and the new testament has gone. This can't be easy, I know you wouldn't step [take this step] unless you felt confident in the direction you are going, so of course as a friend I love and support every step of your journey. I do have a firm testimony of the gospel. Every part of it. From God and Jesus Christ appearing to Joseph Smith, to the temple and the power of covenants made there, to the understanding this church has given me of my Savior through the truths of modern revelation. I've worked hard for that testimony, and have gone through a refiner's fire to appreciate it. Naturally, I think "staying" is the right course for every single person, but I get we are all on a journey and I support you on yours. I can't imagine any of this is easy for you. Is there anything I can say at this point to get you hold on a little longer? 

Then later, "I love you too. And I know God loves you and you aren't alone as you sort through all this. I don't *know* everything, but that much I do. You are incredible and you have value. I'm here for you friend."

The biggest take away from this experience for me was the power of believing. Often, in striving to know all the secrets of the universe, I negate the beautiful strength and blessings faith gives me. For example, 

• I believe in priesthood authority, and I believe  the Temple is God's house, but I what I know is that God honors the covenants we make there because I've felt it firsthand, and I know priesthood power and authority has opened up heaven in a unique and direct way for me, personally.
• I believe in Joseph Smith's first vision, but I know when I pray to God about it, I feel peace and clarity. 
• I believe President Nelson is an ordained Prophet from God. I know, from experimenting on his direction, he prophecies truth that has brought my family and me closer to Jesus Christ. 
• I believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, but I know that when I read it consistently, I feel more joy in my life and a broader context of what it means to be a child of God. 
• I believe Jesus Christ lived and died for us, but I know that when I have repented or sought comfort, I emerged a new creature. I would be foolish to claim it as anything short of a miracle.

God asks us to believe without seeing, we come to know firsthand through interactive experiences with the Holy Ghost. Though we enter the gate believing, once therein we come to sure knowledge as we experiment on that belief and seek a more true conversation. This is the power of faith, it's a beautiful weave of belief and knowledge. Some days my testimony feels quite obvious to me, other days I really have to seek answers and a deeper understanding to strengthen my conviction to what I believe and what I know. I am proud of what I know because it is a map of earnest desire to know my Savior, and fulfill my purpose in Him.

Brassell Book of Mormon Challenge

Last Sunday I woke up feeling strongly I needed to open my scriptures. I was reading about Christ appearing to the people in the Americas after His resurrection. I felt a warmth and peace that what I was reading was beautiful and a sent from God. I mourned briefly that our family had dropped the ball on Come Follow Me this year as our entire church has focused on studying the Book of Mormon. I remember thinking, "What a missed opportunity." Then swiftly, the Spirit impressed in my mind a memory. Two years ago, President Nelson challenged the women of the church to read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of the year. As if drawn out on a receipt, I recalled all the blessings I felt in our family's life as Cate and I accepted that invitation. I then felt all the blessings that would come to our family if we did this same exercise this year as an entire family. I thought of the challenges we would have, but was so eager for the blessings I felt God was promising. I weighed this in mind, then got on my knees seeking assurance that this was indeed an invitation from Heavenly Father, and not some vain imagination of a desperate women trying to overcompensate. I felt peace, confidence, and joy. I presented the idea to John, who also felt the Spirit in this unique and specific revelation. We had kinks to work out, but even as opposition arose in the execution of this plan, I felt more assurance that God was in the details of this undertaking.  It is amazing to me that when we act on promptings of the Holy Ghost in faith, how immediate some blessings come. Though it hasn't been easy-peezy every step of the way, it has been remarkable to see children more capable in their reading and comprehension, and see time open in up in my and John's schedule.  My testimony here is not about the Book of Mormon so much, as about personal revelation. More specifically, on Sunday, God revealed to me a direction specifically for our family to read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of 2020. I am grateful God doesn't leaving us guessing, but guides us on this journey. 

John reading scriptures with the younger boys.

How Things are Going

Yesterday I had to go to the elementary school for a PTO board meeting. It gave me just enough quiet time to evaluate how things are going two weeks into the school year. I feel like I am living in this in between space in which on one hand, I cannot ignore the very tough parts of my days. I am sometimes exhausted and unmotivated, emotionally-tug-o-warring my kids to endure their zoom meetings and school work. However, I feel like it would be equally false to sidestep the feelings of relief at small successes, and the divine boosts I've received mid-day.

Monday felt like it was 155 hours long. Tuesday was a miracle in which everyone had a "good" day. Wednesday there was a little conflict, but swift resolution. Thursday I gave up keeping everything in tact, and surprisingly to me; the world did not crash down. 

We've managed to have consistent "Morning Meetings" and consistent family dinners. For me, these daily traditions have established that, no matter what happens throughout the day; we are a family and we are here for each other. Starting the day with opening our scriptures, then ending the day sharing our best/worst parts of the day and laughing with each other while sharing a meal has provided life with that "spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down." 

I imagine this is what life is, actually. Meaning, most days cannot be categorized into happy days or sad days, or good days or bad days, or chaotic days or peaceful days. Each day that we are gifted provides us experiences that layer richness in life. It is for us to choose how to consume and distribute what we are given in a day. For example, a good day is a day I choose to see progress and purpose, happy days are days I choose to be grateful, peaceful days are days I focus on Jesus Christ, my Savior.

So how are things going? Forward. I pray I can be present enough to appreciate each step (even if it's in hindsight!)

Hikes, School Supplies, & Drives

To be quite honest, I am in a bit of an emotional slump.
It's not that I'm not happy, because when I think about it logically, I most definitely am. I imagine there are nerves at play in my mind as the new school year approaches, and I overthink how long this Covid-19 business has gone on and will go on. Perhaps all the ups and downs stock pile and neutralize my heart so it feels a little emotion-dead.  And yet, like an emotional defibrillator there are experiences throughout my day shocking the numbness, helping me feel what is "real" around me.

This morning John and I shook all our kids out of bed (except Johnny, the early riser) to go on a family hike. It was crisp air and lush scenery. Leaves were already turning color, and they displayed quite the sunset under our feet. I held Matthew's hand as we tried to outrun the others. Caity kept William motivated with her magical sister ways I can only admire. At the top of the trail, Johnny, John and I sat overlooking the beautiful valley and my heart felt content. The sun hit the hills of trees in a way I don't experience in our evening hikes, and it was like seeing the view for the first time. I didn't have words, so I just gave John's hand an extra squeeze.

I took the kids shopping for school supplies this afternoon. It makes me smile now, remembering the chaos. Hopefully this indicates it wasn't quite as bad as it felt in the moment. I optimistically brought masked, hungry children into a busy store. If they weren't overwhelmed between which composition notebook to choose, they were arguing over who got to push the cart (even though Mom reminded them multiple times, only Mom pushes the cart.) Even on the craziest of outings, those kids make for a good time. It is with great pride Johnny will show you his shark folder, and William his red notebook. There is something about new school supplies that feels like a field of sunflowers for me. I drove a van full of happy campers home from Walmart, that's for sure.

John and I snuck away to pick up a gutter for some camper re-construction project. We drove through those old country roads that bring me life. Grapes were ripening on vines, farmers were bailing hay, "hemp" was growing up in rows, and John was trying to sell me on a country song playing on the radio. I love making John laugh and I got a couple good chuckles out of him today. When I'm driving with John I don't have to worry about anything, I just feel like myself. Laughing together with the wind rushing through my fingers grounded me in a very happy and infinite memory.

In time I will feel like myself again. For now, I will ride this out collecting those sweet moments that remind me that I am still very much alive, valued, and yes; happy.

They looooove their dog! Hahaha!

A Normal Picture: Back to School Edition

Going through albums, I crack up when I find series of pictures displaying perfectly the struggle it is to get all the kids looking at the camera/not being silly/smiling/with eyes open etc....more times than not, it takes a good ten pictures to come out with one that "is good enough." Ha ha. 

I found these pictures from back to school night back in August and they made me smile! So I am sharing them with you!

The Lie and The Answer

I usually feel it coming a few days out. It starts out feeling like I am speeding down a road and I know at any moment I will hit black ice.  Then I hit it. I spin out of control and I know if I grip the steering wheel and try to redirect it, I will only make the situation worse. So I throw my hands in the air and I let my circumstances direct me because I don't know how to steer myself out of the spin I find myself in.  Soon, I crash in a hole, a dark and deep hole. The car is gone and I'm alone. I'm swallowed in blackness. I don't care. I don't feel. Far above me I see a light to the outside world. The opening is too far to reach. I see life happening and I ache to be a part of it. This makes the blackness seem all the more suffocating. I feel alone. Sometimes I’ll get my head above the surface for a short time before my strength and will power give out, I fall back down. The brief moment is shattered and I am alone in the world my mind created for me.  I watch John and the kids as an outsider and I want to be there but I can't. I go through the motions repeat over and over again: “Just fake it, ‘til you make it.”  Sometimes when I try to explain to people what I am feeling, I feel stupid and dramatic- like I'm making this all up. The answer to all the pain seems simple: just stop it. But I can't. Because I'm trapped. I'm alone. And all I can do is hug my knees and close myself to the physical darkness that I feel closing in on me. But the unfortunate consequence is that I also close out the light. And the joy. And I hate myself....because I can't handle the darkness and now everyone around me suffers along side of me. I close my eyes and I feel God trying to tell me everything I have to hold on to and every thing I have to be happy about and find joy and I want to be that person. But I just....can't. I don't know how to get there.

Back track, 2016 years ago today, Jesus Christ lay in a physical dark hole, similar to my mental one. It was a tomb closed off from the world by a large rock. He suffered sorrow and pain to his death. But darkness and death could not keep Him. He rose from the grave, from the darkness, from the pain... and He lived. Originally, I titled this post "The Truth," because these are true feelings I experience at times, and it took courage admitting it. But immediately, I realized the darkness and the hard feelings were "The Lie." It is the lie Satan would have me cling to. It's the same lie that he wanted people to believe when Christ was crucified. That all hope was lost, and that the Savior would not rise from the dark tomb in which he was buried. But Christ didn't come to this earth to die and remain in darkness.

He came to live. He came to bring light.

And so did I. 

And through Christ, I can.  

He can roll away "my stone" and reach His hand down and raise me to light.

"Forget Me Not" by Annie Henrie

I don't experience depression all the time. Sometimes it lasts weeks, sometimes it only lasts a day or two, sometimes there are long intermissions between and sometimes it feels like I can't get away, ever.  I don't want people feeling pity for me here.  I chose to come to this Earth and I knew I would experience infirmities.  I love that I get to experience this life, and I don't want people to pity me because at times it is hard.  It's like watching someone run a marathon and half way through you see them looking tired and worn out- you don't shout, "Oh I'm sorry!  I don't know how you do it!" You say, "You got this! Keep pushing through! It's going to be worth it in the end!"  This life is surely going to be worth it, the good times and the bad times.
This post isn't about my struggle with depression though, it is about the answer- it is about how through Jesus Christ I know I can overcome it.
The atonement of Jesus Christ means to me: I don't have to be alone. That despite of myself, I can find peace in the darkness of my hole.  Sometimes I feel Him lift me completely out. Other times I just feel Him there, experiencing the pain with me, and those times that is exactly what I need as I navigate through, strengthening my tools to battle "the demon." I am grateful to have His comfort and encouragement. I know I am allowing Christ's influence in my life when "the lows" aren't really low, but I feel them pushing me and making me stronger. And despite the clouds, I can feel the light on the horizon. This hope is all because of my Savior. He brings me peace, companionship, hope and redemption.

I know Christ lives, and because of Him, I can live too.

He is the answer, He is the way, He is the light and He is the life.

I pray that as I turn to him, I too can find a "new life," away from darkness.

A life woven with peace, joy, love, and Him. A life repaired and made whole through Jesus Christ.

As Jesus Christ gave his life for me, I pray I can give my life to Him.

The love of Jesus Christ is the answer, as we seek it, embrace it, share it, and make it the lens in which we view the world, we can overcome any darkness within us and any darkness that arises externally in our world.

This is what Easter means to me.

May your's be bright and full of His love.

Therapy Session

Can we just have a little sit down? It is 3:07 AM, and I am awake. William woke up an hour ago and needed some special one on one attention and by golly, I always have trouble sleeping after those little episodes.
This morning, I woke up and went to the kitchen to not warm up the bottle I was not giving him, since, you know, he doesn't drink bottles being 13 months old and all....ahem. I looked at the Halloween remains in my kitchen: ceramic jack-o-lanterns on the dining room table, the large pot with leftover stew plastered to the sides, empty hot chocolate cups, my three felt spiders tiredly hanging from the ceiling fan...and I realized Halloween was over.  In a few hours I would be packing up all the spooky hoopla, folding up costumes, and saying goodbye to Halloween for another year.  I jokingly thought about that song from the Forgotten Carols, "I cry when I take the Tree the Down," replacing tree with "Ghouls" and realized how ridiculous I sounded. It's Halloween for crying out loud! :)  So why is a little piece of me dying with October ending?
Time is passing. It is going by so, so quickly.  Last night, I went to my neighbor's house and looked at all the pictures of her grown up high school children, and you wouldn't believe this- but there was once a time they were little like my own. This year, they were all out at parties and get-togethers and I just couldn't fathom that some Halloween down the road, my kids will all have their own plans that won't include gluing scraps of paper to a candy corn picture.  How exciting for the coming years, but how sad for the passing ones that won't ever come back.
Don't get me wrong. I am a fan of November- there are so many fun traditions to look forward to from our "Gratitude Poster" to being with family, to turkey and gravy (yum!), to Christmas preparations... I can't help but feel a particular warmth inside when I think about November.
But it feels like all Novembers kind of blend together over time as one large happy memory.  Octobers seem to separate themselves a little more. Like, remember that one year Caity was little red riding hood, and we thought the other person was pushing her stroller so she toppled over in a ditch?  Or, remember that time we made Johnny dress up as a clown even though he wanted to be Spiderman so he was the poutiest clown in the whole world?  Or how about that time we got the three kids matching skeleton jammies and laughed so hard as John and William did the skeleton dance?  Octobers are full of specifics.  It seems like just yesterday, I was pushing a newborn Caity around in my old pumpkin costume, positive she was the cutest pumpkin the world ever did see.
But that wasn't yesterday.
Yesterday, my little not-so-newborn girl joined the streets with the other Elsa's and determinedly stayed out an hour later than her brothers trick or treating.  Time is passing.  And in the wee hours of this November 1, 2014, I am hanging on by its coat tails.  The future is promising, and the unknown is exciting; but gosh, it's hard saying goodbye to the last Halloween I have a 6 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old, because next year Caity will probably have lost a tooth, and William will be talking and Johnny may not insist all five suckers need to be in his mouth at the same time(...or maybe he will.) This morning, life feels like an hourglass, people.
So, here I am. Sitting on my couch. Staring at our carved pumpkins with the fallen skeleton chain draping over the tops. I smile thinking about how Caity insisted hers have eyelashes, and Johnny insisted his be a dinosaur, while William insisted on eating the pumpkin guts as dug them out (ew.) I smile thinking about my awesome husband carving across from me, how he was dressed up in camo for Halloween by the time the kids and I got home from school, just to show me he liked Halloween too.  I can't help but smile as I take yesterday's memories and give them a big ole mental hug. I know I told the kids that Jack o Lanterns make their exit November 1st,  but perhaps they can stay a little longer...maybe just a few days...maybe just long enough to let those memories linger as "the present," so I don't have to admit they are the yesterday.

Letting Go

Yesterday I called John on his way home from work and kindly said: "WHERE ARE YOU? I QUIT! I'm getting a job tomorrow and I'm going to make money and these little crazy people who live with me are going to day care. All day. And I'm going to request over time,"  And even though I knew deep down I wasn't serious, I sure wished I could be.  I was burnt out. Depleted. Weary. Tired.

Why does Johnny have to jump off everything and land into everything fragile?  Why does he have to yell at the top of his lungs the entire time he is doing said activities?

Where in the world did Caity get that whiney voice? "Joooohnnnyyyyy!" Does she not realize she taunts Johnny and it is only in response he snatches her beloved Meebe?

And William. Why don't you eat? You cry all day long because you're hungry, yet I can't get you to eat anything.

I realize I am just complaining about the very things I thank God for every day...it's complicated some days.

I feel like a helicopter cleaning room after room then starting over again, room after room. Socks, balls, jump rope, doll, batman, socks, ball, jump rope, doll, batman, peach smashed into the floor. Sure the kids help...but I am little OCD and for whatever annoying reason feel the need to go and fix their cleaning.

Then I lose my mind and hole up in my room while my kids are enriching their minds in front of the television.  Yes, I know: parenting fail. But really, it is survival instincts, people. I sit in my room and wallow in my deficiency as a mother yet I don't have the energy or motivation to fix it.

Yesterday I "hit a wall" and I yelled, I cried, I slammed stuff and did all sorts of other things to show I what a calm and collected mother I was.
I was just lovely, yesterday.
I felt frustrated.  I know what I would tell someone else, yet sometimes it is hard to tell it to myself. Are you with me on this one?
I don't have to do everything.
I don't have to do it perfect.
How do you let go of expectations you have yourself? I know I'm the one that sets that unrealistic bar...but how do I even go about making it realistic and right? By "right" I refer to the many priorities that battle each other.  I would list them, but I know to someone else they sound silly.  I guess I have this image of who I want to be and it is dang frustrating that it just doesn't come to me overnight despite how hard I try. So, I blamed the world and let it out on the dishes in the sink, as in- thank goodness they weren't glass dishes!

Such was the emotional mess John came home to yesterday. Bless. His. Heart.  Even in my deepest, most stubborn dark holes I can create, in he waltzes with a big hug and some annoying way to make me laugh.
John was holding William when I went in for a hug and William looked at me with a glare and pushed me away, I tried again and he pushed me away again.  He must have noticed I didn't pick him up despite his protests as I stormed around the house throwing my tantrum.
When it was time for Family Night, John started singing my family night song: "Hey everybody it's family night we're gonna have a really good time- YEAH!" (don't hate) to gather everyone. But because I was feeling pretty melancholy he sang in a sad, monotone voice and despite myself, I laughed.
The kids came in the room and Caity had tears streaming down her face because I had snapped at her for tattling. I apologized and hated myself more for being so self centered.
When I told her it was her turn to conduct Family Night, she swallowed her sobs and in between post-crying hiccups, she stood on the fireplace proudly saying "Welcome to the (hiccup) BEST family night EVER!" Then gave a big proud smile and we all clapped and it was the sweetest thing.  We played red rover and decorated cookies and learned about finding Jesus in the world around us.  It was good, quality time.
After the kids went to bed, John and I talked about a lot of things. I got a blessing and today I am determined to make it work.
I just have to let some notions go.
One thing my blessing said was that more than anything else my kids need to feel my love and they will cherish it their whole lives.
I realized that needed to be my number one.
So, today I have tried to put that first. I wanted to clean my kitchen's breakfast remains, but played on the floor with William instead. I left my house looking like....well....we'll skip that part and hope none of you saw me at Walmart today.   I let the kids hide behind the diaper boxes at Walmart. We (finally) went to Toys R Us so Caity could spend her birthday money. (She bought and umbrella.)  I carried William while pushing a cart full of stuff. I let the kids stop and play with the Thomas the Train display for a good twenty minutes.  I hugged instead of snapped when Johnny threw a tantrum.
I feel better today.
A little emotionally hung over.
A little embarrassed at my irrational behavior.
But I am feeling on the up.
Sometimes you just have to downsize back to the basics.  Sometimes I have to let myself be vulnerable and let it go, then rely more fully on my Savior.
\I think I'll make it another day. Thanks for listening.

Forts and Stuff

So around 10:00 am, my day took a huge turn for the better. You see, I looked at the clock, evaluated my surroundings, and decided to scratch all my plans and just survive the chaos for the remainder of the day.  Somehow at that point, Monday seemed so much more doable.  Granted we didn't have milk, eggs, butter or bread...among other things, and granted that laundry pile was stealthily reaching the ceiling...it just wasn't going to happen. Yesterday anyways.

When I think of going to the grocery store it goes something like this:

Ok, first I have to make sure I have timed it right with nap time and feedings for baby.
Help Caity find her shoes.
Help Johnny find his shoes.
Lecture both children about putting their shoes away while I change William's diaper and clean up so he looks loved.
Tell Johnny to switch he shoes so they are on the right feet.
Make the list while holding William.
Break up the fight between Cate and Johnny.
Do Caity's hair.
Tell Johnny to stop dragging his brother.
OK guys, time to go.
Where are mommy's keys.
Caity confesses they were playing "cars" and she can't remember where she put them.
We finally find the keys.
Ok guys, time to go.
Johnny, where are your shoes?
Find Johnny's shoes.
Who cares that they are on the wrong feet.
Grab William and tell the kids to head out the car.
Realize I should probably take out the garbage.
Balance garbage, purse and baby while I lock the door.
Go down the next flight of stairs.
Scrounge my kids hiding in the back yard playing a "rousing" game of hide and go seek.
Get three kids in the car.
Break up a fight.
Get three kids buckled up.
Reinforce the "No fighting rule."
Drive.
Get to the store.
Unbuckle three kids.
Keep three kids close as we make our way through the parking lot.
Scold Johnny for running in the road.
Tell Caity she needs to pay attention after running into a parked car.
Choose a cart.
Get William in the seat.
Re-establish rules of conduct with the older kids.
"No, we can't get donuts."
Johnny, don't touch that, buddy.

And well...you get the idea.  Grocery stores are doable and sometimes an adventure....but other times, well, grocery stores are exhausting.  If I am not emotionally and physically prepped...it's bad news, people.  For everyone involved.

So we were scavengers for the day.  We survived. Then, I got to sneak to the store later by myself. Relaxing baths with essential oils and soft music do it for some people, but man alive- a trip to grocery store alone is equivalent to spa day for this momma. (Has it really come to this?) (Ha ha.)

We still got everything done on our charts but there might or might not have been a "family nap time" around 11:15 am.

The kids spent the afternoon evolving their fort building skills:

(the fort had THREE rooms!)

And later, we headed to John's grandparents' house to wish his grandma a happy birthday.

Well, what doesn't get done yesterday- must get done today.  So that is what my day is looking like.  John looked around the apartment on his way out the door and said "You sure you are going to be alright?" And we both kind of laughed, because it was that bad...as we spied Johnny riding William around the corner. :)

All over the Place

When I look over the last six-plus years of marriage, I feel we have frequented the moving truck way too often

(or perhaps SHOULD have used a moving truck more often...haha) source

Here are all the places we have lived (for records sake):

September 2007-  Willis' Basement

December 2007- Vaulted Ceiling 1970 studio

April 2008- Park Place #8

December 2008- Heritage Homes of Rexburg (Master Bed and Bath)

September 2009- Peterson Pointe #2

August 2010- John's Parent's House

December 2010- Emerald West #3

March 2011- 133 E 2nd S, The Dungeon

August 2012- University of Idaho Student Housing

May 2013- Newcastle, WA Ghetto

August 2013- Back to University of Idaho Student Housing (John ACA)

May 2014- The Attic in Denver

August 2014- SOMEWHERE in Boise.

So, we are venturing on move number 13. Lucky number 13.
In 13 moves, there is something I have learned: I hate moving. Ha! Something else I have learned: I can still make it through and just because I hate it, doesn't mean it isn't going to happen.

I have learned to grasp the thrill of a move- there are some fun aspects of starting over. New scenery for one, no one remembers the embarrassing moments of yesteryear, I de-clutter and simplify, our family relies more on each other and we bond in a new way, there are new people, new experiences...a lot of great things to look forward to.

One of the hardest stages of moving is not knowing where we are going to be until just a couple weeks before.  If I can just imagine where we will be, I can make the best of whatever is ahead...but not knowing is the absolute worst.  The other hard part is saying good bye and resettling somewhere new. And not just to the people (which is hard), but to an entire way of life.  It comes to a point where I am constantly feeling like an outsider.  It gets exhausting starting all over.  The awkward first play-dates, walking into church trying to reach out and meet new people and convince them how interesting I am (haha), not knowing how to get anywhere and getting lost time and time again, trying to convince myself of all things this apartment has that is better than the previous, not to mention helping the kids adjust- that is a list of it's own ...it feels like my entire world is just flipped upside down and it is hard not to feel a little misplaced and out of context.

This move to Denver has been especially taxing because I know we are settling in only to be on our way out in two month's time.  It is so tempting just to live to survive instead of striving to thrive while we are here. It is tempting to walk into church and slip into the background, to walk up the stairs of my apartment and stop at surface conversations with neighbors, it is just so tempting to stick to myself and stay comfortable and count down my days. I have learned the hard way that giving into those temptations only brings...well, they bring nothing. We are not on this Earth to gain "nothing."

I don't believe that lifestyle is what God intended for his children as He sent us to this Earth together, not alone... but side by side; as neighbors, gym-buddies, coworkers, park-goers, mothers, family members, classmates...we are all here learning the "great lesson." We all have pains, sorrows, struggles, triumphs, regrets, gratitude and perspective, things that perplex us and things that keep us going.  Oh, what we can learn from each other. Oh, what I have learned from others.  It is hard for me to open up and let others in, because it is so hard saying good bye and once a door closes the contents behind it never seems to remain the same again.

I have found some of the biggest burdens in my life are missed opportunities.

So, my goal in this short time is to say "yes" more often and to take the hard road of opening up emotionally to the people and happenings around me.  In four short weeks I have met some pretty outstanding people and I have gained an understanding of perspectives that baffled me a month ago.  I have volunteered when every inside part of me (except perhaps the Holy Ghost...) screamed "no, don't do it."  I have yet to regret any opportunity I have taken to serve someone.  It has been work living in Denver, and it hasn't been a vacation from stress as I previously hoped- but it has been a growing experience.  Granted there is still a lot more I would like to do and be better at- but I am getting there, one day at a time...I'm learning!  I can honestly say we aren't here just because of John- though that is what I initially thought...but we're here for me too.  Turns out God is as mindful of me as He promises, and to Him I am forever grateful and indebted.

Well, that wasn't where I was going with this...but thank you for listening all the same. This blog has been a nice outlet for me as we have been going through this adventure.

What I was getting at is- we may have found a place in Boise! So hoping it works out.  I'm trying not to imagine myself living there but...gah! The idea of a fenced backyard sounds oh, so appealing! Not to mention one story...have been through this way to often! Wish us luck that it works out! Not to mention, I really, like REALLY, can't wait to move all our stuff again. :)

In other news...
Caity has taped fish to the doors of the house.  She also had "the best dream ever" that she was a mermaid
I cut Johnny's hair today and I accidently poked him and he said, "What, mom- are you trying to kill me?"
William has been Mr. Kisses lately.
John is still rockin' his suits at his job and I am so proud of him!
I have only 2.5 weeks left of Spring Term for school- hip hip hooray!

A Woman with a Plan...that Never Seems to Pan Out.

Today I woke up with the perfect plan for a perfect day.
I was going to exercise, clean the house, make the kids breakfast, shower while William napped.  Then we were going to walk to the park, play for a while, come home and play with sidewalk chalk, make the kids lunch while I started on this week's homework.  Then we were all going to play together, laugh together and run through daisy fields together.  We would pick up John from work and he would just feel the magic in our eyes as we recounted a successful day full of love and happy faces.
Today I woke up and nothing went according to plan.
If I was being honest, I would admit I may have raised my voice towards my kids a few times.  But this is my blog and we are going to leave that part out.
Messes were made, children fought, children cried, I finally gave up working out and figured the least I could do was shower.  Let me tell you the best part of showering these days: the amount of privacy I never receive. (Remember-My blog... I don't have to tell the whole truth here.)
By 9:00 AM, William had me "grounded" to the confines of the area rug in my kids room.  He wasn't hungry or sleepy, didn't need a change, didn't want to be held...just wanted me to sit there next to him while he played.  In other words, he had to force me to be a good, attentive mom.  Haha.
Well, you know the saying- when life (or your baby) throws you on the ground...play with the legos the older kids neglected to put away after you instructed them to do so about 5 times.  So I made some gravity-defying, color-coded, lego towers while my hair dried into something you would see on a Chia Pet commercial.
After admiring William's chunky little elbows for over an hour, he finally wound down and I put him down for a nap.  I walked across the Attic to my room to find John's dry cleaning strewn across the bed with Johnny cuddled deep in my suitcase, using my clothing as a comforter. Awesome.  Well, we got that mess taken care of, despite a very sassy 5 year old who insisted she did all the cleaning around here. OK.
While the kids ate lunch (I made quesadillas and then they begged for cucumbers and apples- another "forced good mom moment") Anyway...while they ate, I used every anti-frizz and heat product I could get my hands and attempted to make my hair presentable.
Then, oh good- the kids woke up the baby. :) Some days just get better and better and better!
Although, not a single part of me wanted to, I decided we would walk to the park, William is happiest when he in that stroller and I figured we could use some "outside time."  Not to mention, I did want to do at least some of the stuff on my list!
Turns out, it was just what our little group needed.
Oh glorious sunshine! How you make my days better.

This guy is always looking back and smiling at his brother!

Caity doing an "underdog," well, trying anyway

We had a lot of fun exploring new parts of the park, and Caity pushed the boys on the swings- they just loved it.  By the time we made our way home, everyone was pretty exhausted and I kind of had to drag them as they cried the entire way home.  

I reached my limit.

Just kidding, it wasn't stressful at all.

Just kidding, it kinda was.

But we made it home, and William went down for a nap, I made a strawberry smoothie with the older kids and now everyone is completely crashed out!

(except me)

Well, that was a super positive post, huh?

Haha. 

I'm off to clean the house (again) :)

Until tomorrow,

(because despite all the hiccups, the world didn't come to an end)

Mary

PS- Tomorrow will be better

PSS- And if not, maybe I will be able to play with Legos again.

Am I the only one, or do bad days make you look fat too?

Remember how "glorious" yesterday was?
Well, today has been a bad one.
Like, really bad.
Like, "are you kidding me?" bad.
I wrote it all in detail, but it went long, got personal and just not stuff I was ready to share with just anyone who happened to stumble across my blog. (No offense...)
So, although you won't know the long and gory details,  I know that as I am willing to talk about all the good "glorious" stuff, I also need to address that life can be hard- and for no apparent reason, just some days stink.
It doesn't mean I have a bad marriage, it doesn't mean I am a terrible housekeeper, it doesn't mean I am failing at motherhood....it does mean that bad days happen, to everyone. I've talked to too many people in similar situations to think I am alone here.
So how do you get through days like today?
Today I am going to try to reset my mind, and take the rest of the day in with a blank slate.  I'm going to be rubber and let the bad bounce right off.  I am a firm believer that we can control our attitude, so I'm going to attack that and hope for the best.
Thanks for talking, and wish me luck.

(and why not an old picture for good measure...)