Homework

I have a love/hate relationship with homework as we started seeing more of it this week. On one end, “Ew.” On the other, it is so sweet seeing these kids focused on their school work!

There were only a few tears as we worked through sight words and spelling. I forgot how hands-on first grade can be as kids are learning how to read. I love Matthew’s little tongue slipping out while he concentrates. I love how William will focus so intently and rewrite words so everything is spelled right and looks tidy. I also love that Johnny loves Math because heaven knows I do not!

Yesterday after soccer, I scurried around the kitchen prepping dinner helping three boys simultaneously with their schoolwork while a 14 year old sat on the counter recapping her day. I was a little overwhelmed maintaining four conversations at the same, but also felt a bit of thrill realizing how full this season of my life is right now. A quiet voice whispered in my mind, “You will treasure nights like this when you look back some day.” It’s exhausting, but it’s fulfilling raising these kids. I am so proud of their hard work and so grateful for them. When we sit around the table for dinner every night I try to savor each of their voices and faces as we recap our days and laugh at silly things one or the other is doing. It is always a calming ritual to end these hectic school nights.

First Day of School 2022

 There is something magical and nerve wracking  about the first day of school. Everyone woke up eager and nervous. Teeth and hair were brushed, lunches packed, prayers said and off they went.

Matthew, the first grader. He has Miss Stratton this year and has a lot of friends in his class he didn’t have last year. In case you were wondering why he is wearing a coat when the forecast I supposed to be 102 degrees: it’s so when the girls chase him and catch him, he can slip out of their grasp easily. 

What a stud!

William, the third grader! William has Mrs. Robertson. He was very nervous for school since his teacher was new to the school, so out of the three it was the only one he didn’t know! More so, this is his first year since preschool that he didn’t have his best friend, Luke, in his class. (He only vaguely knew one boy in his class this year!) 

William and Baby-mode (knees in his shirt.) All. The. Time.

Johnny. The man. The myth. The Legend. The SIXTH grader! His last year in elementary! 🥺😭. Johnny has Cate’s old teacher, Mr. Finnegan. He is so excited. Also for the first time he is with his best friend Max, among other good friends. He was more excited than I can ever remember going to school the first day.

Goodness I love him. His favorite teacher is the librarian, and every year he makes a stop first thing to tell her hello!

Cate the Great, starting year eight! Her final year of middle school. Her first day was technically next day, but because she is in Leadership, she got to help out with orientation for the seventh graders at Mcloughlin. 

Goodness, if I could just hug a picture!! I love these four!

Per tradition, I promised Johnny we could walk to school. We drove a few blocks away and enjoyed the beautiful crisp morning. As I trailed behind these three, I realized this was the last year I would have all three of my boys at the same school! I felt so grateful the school district is waiting until next year to move sixth grade to the middle school. I love having these three together.

Johnny took off as soon as we got to the school, but William and Matthew wanted me to walk them to their classroom. They each got their teachers a plant and treat for the first day.

Dropping off the little boys ended up being much more dramatic for my mama’s heart than I anticipated. William was in a nervous daze as he entered his classroom. He couldn’t find his chair and I watched his eyes panic as he read all the name tags, not recognizing any names! He sunk into his chair and just looked at his desk, not sure what to do. (Spoiler: everything turned out fine, but it was not an easy visual to walk away from.) Matthew insisted he wasn’t nervous, besides; he’s not a kinder anymore! He marched into his classroom, followed directions and found his cubby. As he clearly didn’t need me, I turned away and then thought—“I’m going to snag a quick picture to send to John.” 

Here is what I found when I turned back toward the classroom:

His head was buried in his hands. I walked back in and asked if he needed a hug. He nodded “yes.”  I asked if he was OK, and he answered with flushed cheeks and watery eyes, “I didn’t know I was going to miss you so much.” And instead of melting into a puddle of tears right then and there I put on my brave mom face and said, “You’re not going to miss me! You are going to have so much fun today and before you know it, I’ll come pick you up and we’ll have cookies after school together! How does that sound?” He smiled shyly and said it sounded good, gave me a hug. 

Then I left.

And held my hormonal pregnancy tears in until made it to my car, and absolutely cried the whole way home. There was something so lonely about walking into an empty home after the often chaotic, messy, and crowded home of Summer. I called John to ask how Cate’s drop off went and he said it was fine, and she talked a lot but he wasn’t paying attention (ha!) and she said some jokes he didn’t laugh at and she responded with “OK, I guess I’m not using that one on my friends.” And I thought about how nice it must be to be John and not neurotic and an emotional mess over basically nothing. 😂

I ate away my feelings then got to work on some organizing projects that have been on my list, and prepping dinner and cookies for after school.

The boys all had the best day. Everyone loves their teachers and it was an afternoon of fielding three conversations simultaneously. It was such a happy feeling. After my worried morning, I was so grateful to see what a great year this is going to be for all of them. 

We filled out all the back to school paper work (ew.) and the kids played with friends until it was time to pick Cate up from Cross Country.

I went to bed that night exhausted, grateful, and happy. Despite the bold declaration that time is indeed passing, I sure love the first day of school with its new school shoes and fresh school supplies. The routine of fall is a familiarity I fell asleep looking forward to.

Cate’s official first day of school!

The boys’ second day of school!

(William’s peace sign, Johnny’s “Hi best friend!” Shirt he had custom made because that is his motto, and Matthew’s that’s-how-I-smile-mom face. Love them.

Cate’s third day of school.

Rise Up and Reach Out

I really love September. I love Back to School time—watching all the kids with their backpacks, new school supplies, excited to meet their teachers. I love the harvest and canning that happens in the fall. I feel similarly in how I nest and physically hunker down for fall and winter, each September I find myself emotionally and spiritually harvesting what is needed to get through the darker months of the year. I find September is often a reflection to me of ways I can come “Back to the Savior.” I start nesting and organizing, I bring out my planner, I make new job charts, menus, Come Follow Me and scripture reading goals. I feel this craving to gather all that’s good and store it in my home.

One of my favorite traditions is our family’s Back to School Celebration every year. I feel like this event productively channels the nerves I feel about sending my kids off to the world. It is my way of giving them an emotional hug and they set out on the next season in their journey. 

We set the table with my wedding china and gold-plated flatware, decorate with fresh flowers, bouquets of sharpened pencils and crayons and scatter apples down the middle. We break up our dinner into a four course meal, making special dishes. I relish my summers with all the kids home, as someone who gets nostalgic in the moment, I love how this tradition pauses time for an evening and celebrates the next thing instead of mourning the passing time. To me, this meal is celebration of gratitude for a wonderful summer and of hope for a wonderful year. 

This year’s menu was as follows:

Course I: Punch and Appetizers

I always make punch for this meal. This year’s had frozen pink lemonade concentrate, sugared strawberries, a third a can of orange juice concentrate. After blending those ingredients together and freezing, we just added tonic water to the punch bowl—it was so yummy and a huge hit! 

Everyone got a plate with a cut of watermelon, pineapple, a couple carrots and cucumbers, then some meat, cheese and a cracker.

Course II: Bread and Salad

For the salad I made a simple poppyseed dressing served over romaine lettuce and chopped strawberries, grapes, cucumbers, cheese (goat for the adults/string cheese for the kids.) Then sprinkled with candied walnuts.

This summer my goal was to learn how to work with sourdough. I am quite proud of myself actually accomplishing this feat since I am a hit-and-miss goal keeper! So naturally: we had fresh sourdough artisan bread and I whipped cinnamon-honey butter. The sweetness of the butter with tang of bread was a heavenly. (Yes, when I think of how heaven must feel I imagine it’s what I experience biting into fresh bread. 😂)

Course III: Ham and Funeral Potatoes

This was a treat because I never make ham and everyone loves it. Also, the dishes could be made ahead and kept warm while we ate. (Not to overlook:  the recipes made a enough food for leftovers to have later in the week! Go me!)

Course IV: Dessert

I wish I would have snagged a picture of the pie I made! I baked a pie crust with cinnamon sugar, then spread a layer of cream cheese whipped with honey and heavy cream, then topped with remaining sugared strawberries from the punch. It was tasty and refreshing.

After our fancy dinner, we headed upstairs to reveal our family theme! I felt touched by how excited the kids were to find out what our focus as a family would be this school year. 

This year the Brassells are going to “Rise up and Reach out!” John and my hope is that we can all rise to who we were born to be as sons and daughters of God; then, reach out and lift others. 

I usually make a lesson teaching the kids what the theme can mean to them.

This year I went about it by comparing them to the sun. We talked about how like the sun, they have the opportunity to rise up each day. We talked about different qualities and habits they could do to “Rise Up.” The list included things like: reading scriptures, daily prayer, eating healthy, working hard, learning, trying again and again, doing Come Follow Me as a family, following the prophet, making and keeping goals, and so on. We compared this idea to the Lion King (big time fans of that movie at our house!), and how just like Simba had to rise up and remember who he was to stand in his birthright, they also are born for something noble. And what good is the sun if it stays hidden away? 

Although it may take effort, and leaving comfort; there are blessings and opportunities as they tune into their divine nature and recognize responsibilities attached to being covenant makers and keepers, and disciples of Christ.

We watched a clip by Elder Uchtorf talking about how like the “ugly duckling” we must hold on to who we truly are, even if it’s different than others around us.

For the second portion, we discussed that just like the sun, we can provide light and warmth to those around us. We talked about different ways to “Reach out” like rays of sunshine. For example, making new friends, choosing kindness, forgiving others, bearing testimony, looking for ways to help, and so on. We watched a video about two boys making cookies for a friend who was struggling, and discussed the many ways the boys reached out and spread light. 

We also talked about how clouds can cover the sun and block its ability to give light and warmth. Some clouds could include: bad choices, unfairness, it’s too hard, self doubt. But just like wind can blow away clouds, God has given them tools to combat clouds that hover. Some productive wind could be: repentance, praying for added love, making small and simple goals, praying for courage. We again compared this idea to Simba and all the “clouds” that surrounded him, making it difficult to rise up and do what he was born to do.

We closed the lesson by watching the music video “Arise.” I really felt the Holy Ghost touching our hearts. There was a feeling of love that I think calmed and softened hearts, and; helped our kids know they weren’t alone during this transition.

John then gave us all Father’s Blessings. It was sacred and strengthening. 

Finally, it was off to the races as everyone was bathed, lunches packed, clothes laid out, leadership introduction speeches practiced, “one more snack” eaten, books read and bedtime prayers said. 

Despite my exhaustion and aching pregnant body, I determinedly marched to the kitchen to clean up before bed. I felt gratitude that everything came together and we were able to enjoy such a beautiful evening as a family. Yes, there may have been a breakdown in my closet at one point (if we’re being transparent), but I was so proud of myself for pushing through and for the help from heaven that sustained me. I feel like this celebration is my way of repairing my kids’ armor as they leave our home for another school year. I’m grateful for this family and life I get to share with John and as years pass, I feel the joy of God’s plan. Seasons come and go, and I feel like I am beginning to see more clearly His plan is one of growth, joy and redemption. What a beautiful journey He has set us on. 

And like that, another school year begins!

A Busy September Schedule

Last week was exteremely difficult (as I have hinted previous blog posts.) At the time I just thought
it was the "new normal" and I would need to catch up. However, this week I am fully realizing the over size load I was carrying.
For the next six weeks, here is my week day schedule:

Monday
5:30 am- Running with Janel (We're training for a race in November)
7:15 am- Walk Kids to school (or have them take the bus....leave at the same time.)
9:00 am- 12:00 pm- Orenco Joy School
6-7:00 pm- Johnny Flag Football Practice.
7:30 pm- Family Home Evening

Tuesday
7:15 am- Walk Kids to School
5:30-6:30 pm- Kick it Soccer at the Stake Center for Caity, Johnny, & William. I coach Caity's team.
7:00 -8:15pm- Hillsboro Soccer for Caity

Wednesday
5:30 am- Running with Janel
7:15 am- Walk Kids to School
9-11:00 am- Noble Woods Co op Preschool
2-5:00 pm- Babysitting Co-op Shift
3:00 pm- Caity Piano Lesson
6-7:00 pm- Caity Activity Days at Church
6-7:00 pm- Johnny Flag Football Practice
7- 8:30 pm- Youth Group at Church

Thursday
7:15 am- Walk Kids to School.
9:00 am- 12:00 pm- Orenco Co-op Preschool
5:30-6:30 pm- Kick-It Soccer
7:00- 8:15 pm- Caity's League Soccer Practice.

Friday
SERIOUSLY NOTHING AND IT IS GLORIOUS.
Except Date Night...but that is glorious as well, so Friday is still coming in strong for me as an absolute favorite thing.

The first week of school it was like this fun party all this stuff to do. The second week was basically death. Ha ha. On top of everything on that list, we had four dentist appointments. *I*was the one hosting preschool (not to mention it was week one and kids were seriously crazy.) We had soccer team pictures and football team pictures. I was babysitting for a couple of friends for pockets during the week. Real coaching started at the Kick-it Soccer League. A Relief Society Activity. A PTO meeting. I was in charge of Mutual. Not to mention William's Birthday was approaching (I was pretty birthdayed out at this point!) I was teaching Young Women's at church. John worked until past eight every night to boot. I mean...of course I was exhausted!

I'm grateful it worked out that way though, because now this week feels like a breeze. I am naturally a homebody with my kids, so I am pretty proud of myself that I am getting everyone where they need to be so they can grow in the ways they need to grow. Busyness doesn't always equal productive, but I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and there is something peaceful and fulfilling in that.
I'm loving this September month...the cool, crisp nights, watching my kids practice sports with all the background noise of marching bands practicing, my kids chasing each other, cleats hitting the hard ground, and whistles blowing. Leaves float from the large trees and I aim my paths through crunchy walkways gathering acorns for Matthew. It makes me nostalgic for a moment I am currently living, what is that feeling even called? Maybe it's just called happy. It makes me happy.

Thank you September. You may get the better of me some days, but some day I'm going to be better for it. I feel that.

Today

Today was a lot of things.
The biggest "thing" on my mind this minute is: today is the last day of summer. Tonight we go to sleep, and tomorrow we begin what will feel like a new life. A familiar life, but moments of this summer will no longer be the present and they will shift to sweet remembrances propelling us through the gloomy, foreboding winter.
Tomorrow, I will wake up earlier than I have been. I will pray and study scriptures, hopefully exercise- but let's be real that may not happen. I will rub Caity and Johnny on their backs and say, "Time to get up for the first day of school!" We may be flustered, I'm hoping we'll be calm. We'll leave the house at 7:15 AM on the dot (but probably 7:25 AM), and walk to school. Caity will be chatty. Johnny will be hyper. William and Matthew will either be best friends or enemies, the forecast is 50/50. We will walk into the gym. I will escort each of them to their respective lines. I will give them a hug and refrain from asking for a second one. I'll feel butterflies as we turn away from each other. They will either be excitedly talking to their friends, or nervously shifting feet not sure where to look. Either way, as the person who has mastered reading her children's every emotion- I will see the nerves, the vulnerability, the anticipation, the hope... I'll walk away with my two littles keeping my emotions in check. As always, I'll launch a special prayer in my heart  for Heavenly Father to watch over His children. I'll leave the gym, William will ask what is next and like that, our "new life" will begin.
 Our endless summer days have expired and in their place will come routine, hectic schedules, and outside expectations. We will also be greeted by opportunities for growth and motivation for more intentional living.
It's just a strange thing to know that tonight my life is one way and tomorrow it will be another.
It is wonderful thing that despite the masses of change, I still get to be with these kids. I get to watch them grow and learn.
As I mourn a summer ending, I feel joy for the prospects of a new school year.

Our family theme this year is "Remember who you are. You are needed. You are loved. You are a Child of God." We had a special celebration Sunday night as we talked about it. I felt the spirit as we deliberated as a family. I have such hope in the men and the woman these kids will become and I feel honored to be a part of their journeys.

Here's to another great school year!

Trash-talk, Public Brawls, and Meatloaf

After a long five day weekend, Monday was a welcome change.

I feel like I have really fallen behind the last month, and yesterday I felt like I started to finally catch up! 

This was William yesterday morning:

He just kept walking around like he was SO cool. It cracked me up. At one point he pushed over Matthew and I walked in on Matthew crying on the floor, and William leaning against the wall with  a mug face and his arms and legs crossed like, "Wasn't me."

I also want to include a little snippet about William's trash talking these days. Right now, it is "princess."  

"Try and beat me princ-ess."

"Come and get me, PRINC-ESS!" "Let's wrestle Princess!" "Who's da boss, Princess??"

The other one he uses on his big brother is, "Let's fight Johnny-Appleseed Princess!"

There are always giggles after and it makes me laugh. I think he got it from John who calls Spencer "princess" on the basketball court.

Now, if William does anything. Most suredly, Matthew will absolutely have to do it as well! 

Those two boys keep me on my toes! 

I had some things I needed to pick up at Michael's for a church activity, and I was dreading the errand. I knew it would be overwhelming for William and Matthew and in turn, overwhelming for me. 

Sure enough, I found myself at the check out line with two screaming/bickering/micromanaging/fighting little boys that I just couldn't get to calm down and be nice to each other. It was a combination of late naps, older siblings being in school again, new store, tired mom, and well- William and Matthew.  But. What can you do in those situations but smile and hold your head high? Oh, I know- look down and avoid eye contact and get the heck out of that place as soon as possible. Yes, that is how I handled it. 

When we got home I wrestled those boys to bed (one successfully, one not so successfully.)

As I sat outside their doors playing nap-monitor, I reflected how embarrassing and frustrating the whole ordeal was. It was then, the still small voice reminded me, "...but they actually did really well until that last part." Instantly flashes of the good things came through my mind like a movie sequence. I had images of them pointing out their favorite stickers, and how they stayed close to the cart with me the entire time, and their big eyes and little fingers pointing out all the Christmas decorations (namely, Fanta Caus!) I thought about William saying, "Wow, mom- I really wike your paper you choose-ed." and seeing the life size Santa Clause and saying, "So, do you think he comes alive on Christmas Eve to come to our house with toys?" Then Matthew giving that creepy Santa statue a great big hug. I remembered us laughing at a couple of pictures we saw, and William choosing out coloring books for each kid in our family.

It is interesting how I sometimes let a really bad moment poison some really beautiful memories. Yet, as I focused on those good moments, the shadow of the bad slowly faded. I determined then and there that was going to be my story- the good stuff. And we'll keep working the kinks out of the rest. 

When the kids got home from school and finished their chores and homework, we decided it was a perfect day (or at least a not rainy day) to go to the park.

What is it with Johnny and sticks?? With ALL my boys and sticks? Someone always gets hurt.

Yesterday for his snack, Johnny asked for leftover meatloaf. He thinks I am the best cook in the world, namely because of my meatloaf. I know it is so random, but I feel like it's some badge of motherhood I should get framed or something. I officially have a "Mom's Meatloaf." I mean, sure- I wish it was something a little more classy like "Mom's Lasagna" or something...but Meatloaf it is, apparently.

Caity was racing William to keep him excited. 

We met up with friends at the park and it was just such a great evening to get fresh air, despite the chill!

 We got home and cleaned up the house, got in baths, had dinner and then had family night. We talked about Thanksgiving and how wonderful it is that we can particularly worship God how we feel is right, since that isn't the case in all countries. 

We played Thanksgiving charades and it was so funny. Gosh, those kids are awesome!

These pictures are from this morning getting ready. They are blurry, but I just want to remember how Caity and Johnny talk to each other.

Watching my kids connect always brings me so much satisfaction as a mom.

Also note, if Matthew ever sees any two people talking/playing/reading/cuddling....he weasles his way right in the middle like it's his rightful place. It cracks me up! I mean....look at that face!

4:00 AM: Lost, then Found

Saturday morning I jolted awake at 4:00 am in a panic. The immediate thoughts sprinting circles in my mind were, "The kids are growing up. You're going to miss this.  Like, you are going to wake up one morning and it will all be over. What are your memories going to be?"

I immediately thought about memories I didn't want to have, like...my kids watching TV while I finished a project upstairs, or lecturing Johnny for not putting something away right,  or being too tired to go do something fun so just telling them to go play while I laid down, or going out and doing something fun, but being so stressed that I don't enjoy the moment. A fear gripped me that my kids were going to grow up, and these were the memories and regrets I would relive over and over again; or worse, that I would look back on this time and think: "What did I do with my kids when they were young?"

Well, I resolved right then (always at four in the morning) and there: that isn't going to be my story.
I started assembling every mothering hope and dream from the recesses of my mind. I began formulating a game plan. New images started reeling through my mind of the perfect mother making these perfect memories. We were going to play games together, go on hikes after school, work as a team side by side to keep the house clean, we were going to read more often,  and on and on.
My panic turned to excitement.... then turned to (very) overwhelmed; because hello, it's not like I wake up every morning with intentions of neglecting a day with my kids. Most days, I wake up excited to rock my kids' world. I typically wake up determined to manifest to my children  how amazing this life is, how limitless their potential is, and how much their mom loves them. Despite my sincerity in those early moments every morning, some days it is hard to follow through. Hence the predicament and panic I found myself in.

Saturday morning, my panic-turned-excitement-turned-overwhelmed...now transformed to a very sincere discouragement. Who was I kidding? What business did I have resetting failed goals? I thought, "My poor kids. I really think I'm ruining them. I love them, but they probably don't even know it....how could they know it?"

As I laid there, I let myself swim around in those self deprecating thoughts.  My heart was heavy.
I wish I could say I turned it around, but Matthew came waddling in my room and needed a 4:00 am bath. So, I set to taking care of him. After he was all clean, dry, and comfy;  we crawled into his bed, and he eventually fell asleep after kissing me on: both cheeks, my nose, and my forehead multiple times. When I woke up thirty minutes later with his little hand on my cheek, I thanked God for little moments like that.
I slipped back to my bedroom to find Johnny talking with John. He turned around and saw me, and I saw an instant relief in his face. John was convincing him that I disappeared, and wasn't coming back. (Yeah, I don't get John's sense of humor sometimes either. Haha.) Johnny went on to talk about all the reasons he would be sad if I was gone. I couldn't help but look at that shirtless, sleepy-eyed boy and melt over his tender heart.
The day went on and there were good moments and, admittedly, more moments I regret. My worries haunted me and despite all my brainstormed solutions, I felt very stuck, discouraged, and disappointed with my weaknesses as a mother.
I don't typically take pictures of the not-so-awesome moments, but here are a couple of my highlights:

Our kids are starting to really enjoy playing games these days, and we are really eating it up. (Even if William and Matthew just try to make patterns)

Caity and Johnny made submarines with built in cell phones! (Yes, they slid said submarines down the stairs!)

WE GOT A PIANO on Saturday! My husband loves me. :)

And what do you know....Caity recorded my not so good moment for me a few days ago:

So yes there are definite good moments among the blunders, but I still hadn't felt settled going to sleep Saturday night.

Which finds me here again at four in the morning; listening to rain drizzle outside, feeling a little lost.

Yet, in my darkest fears and weakness; I can recognize a sliver of hope. This hope isn't based off of aspiring goals or resolutions,  but this hope that comes from the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. This brand of hope is based off something more authentic and substantial than any self-made to-do list could possibly do. Despite my inabilities, I know things can still work out. How?

Through Jesus Christ, my Savior. He, alone, can redeem me in my sorrows, regrets, and daily struggles.
Because of Him, I know the weight of mistakes I've made can be lifted. Instead of regret, I can feel peace, hope, and understanding.  This happens through His atonement for me, for each of us. I also know Jesus' grace can enable me to rise above my shortcomings, and I can be made more capable then when I try on my own.

Yes, I don't have a lot of time left with the kids. And there have been days that were maybe wasted and there are realistically going to be more days where I will drop the ball. Yet: it will be OK. Because through Christ we can weave those days into our life's beautiful tapestry. The magnificent thing about the Savior's grace is that not only does He resolve our shortcomings and pains, but he magnifies our joys and successes.  So the beautiful tapestry we are weaving highlights these ups and downs and in-betweens into a breathtaking masterpiece of a life lived with the light of God. He doesn't expect perfection, but he does need us to keep weaving. Even on the hard days, we need to keep weaving our story. As we rely on Jesus Christ, our tapestry, our life, can testify the beauty of His grace and spread the joy His message brings.
So loooong winded post-short: despite my many shortcomings as a mother and well, as a person in general; I know it's going to be OK. Not because of some master plan of mine, but because of the Master's Plan for me. So, I'll keep trying and keep holding on and have faith that in the end it will all work out.
How grateful I am for my Savior, Jesus Christ.
His power is real. I have felt it sustain me and I know it will continue to do so as I turn to Him.
Here's to trying again. Then again. And letting go of fears so I can embrace faith and enjoy the Journey.

So Long, Halloween Twenty Sixteen!

November 1st is always a strange day for me.  I look around my house at our "Halloween hang over" observing a diaper clad toddler running through the wreckage with his chubby cankles protruding from his ankle socks. I take in the other toddler with his then-black-now-gray-spiky hair, sorting his candy for the third time on the couch. I watch the older kids viciously scrub at the remnats of a captain america star and the dripping vampire blood, looking in the mirror with sleepy eyes.

I have vague memories of last night, October 31st. 

Memories of picking up William and running him from house to house so he could keep up with the older kids...and on that note, Caity shouting "WILLIAM!" as soon as she saw the homeowner begin closing their door, only to realize Johnny already grabbed a candy for his little brother.  

I think images of jack o lantern and ghost pancakes for breakfast and dead man's toes and pie crust tombstones in potato swamps for dinner.  

I see William and Johnny working on the witch hat craft at the Library with William's proud smile and Johnny's tongue sticking out of his mouth while he colored in the lines, them both being watched by a little tiger trying to figure out how to open his sucker. 

There was Caity in her jack o lantern shirt and striped tights helping me make treats for teachers at school, and there was a lego-made trunk-or-treat by Johnny.

I swell with gratitude and pride thinking about John braving the winds to fix the van for me last minute.

I have memories of trying about a million pictures unsuccessfully of my kids' costumes before we headed to the Season's Medical Trick or Treat.

I see my kids blend with swarms of neighborhood kids dressed as witches, super heroes, and tigers going door to door, and the fun I had greeting all our wonderful neighbors.  I remember a very shy hulk when he finally had the courage to say "Trick of Treat!" and the intense face of a cute baby Tiger every time a piece of candy made it into his Frankenstein pail his white knuckles clutched for dear life.

I see Caity posing, and re-posing to be a more convincing Vampire as she dripped with confidence, swooshing her cape over half her face.

And I see Johnny flexing his fake muscles and flexing again and tackling and speed racing with his fist in the air. 

I see wilting Jack O Lanterns and wind blown wreaths.

The face expressions of cute newlywed couple, Becca and Tyler, as they came out to the car to see their excited to-show-their-costumes niece and nephews.

I think about the piles of candy being sorted, a certain little girl sorting them by type, then size, then finally settling on alphabetically. Then, Johnny trading "anything you want in my pile, even milk duds" for a pumpkin donut flavored laffy taffy, and then every time William found a KitKat, he'd say, "ANUDDER ONE!?" All this while Matthew watched in his crib until he fell asleep.

I remember the pure exhaustion as children dragged their sore feet to their beds, while their Mom and Dad confiscated their candy to pull out taxes that we enjoyed while we cuddled and watched a show together with the kids asleep. 

My crowning moment of every Halloween is the time I get to spend with John.  I think about that on November 1st. I think about his amused face as he walks the kids to the doors, and talks about hometowns, big foot, and politics with the other parents. I think about his smile while he humors me and my themed dinners, and how he brings me back down to earth when I get too worked up about making everything perfect. I think about how he fixed the van without having any clue how to when he started. I think about dumping out Matthew's candy to find a flower he picked for me along our trick or treating route. I think about how great it is that I get to go home with him every night and we get to laugh about all our favorite kid moments and spend time together eating their candy. Haha.

Yes, it was a good day with good memories. 

But on the morn of November 1st, it feels so foreign and the wilting bats on my walls and the smiling witch suddenly become clutter of a distant memory and I get all excited for this new turned page.  It is the holidays. It is time for Thanksgiving- a time for gratitude and family and autumn harvest and gosh, I love that.  So, I get to spend my November 1st switching gears, pulling out the gratitude poster and preparing my family for our next great venture, all while yesterday's adventures still keep me smiling and feeling all nostalgic. 

In other news....I think I am making breakfast for dinner tonight because, hello- breakfast for dinner.

Coming home from School

A Vampire, Iron Man, "Hoek", and a Tiger

Swampy graveyard, bloody bone (biscuits), dead man's toes, Frankenstein's brains.