4:00 AM: Lost, then Found

Saturday morning I jolted awake at 4:00 am in a panic. The immediate thoughts sprinting circles in my mind were, "The kids are growing up. You're going to miss this.  Like, you are going to wake up one morning and it will all be over. What are your memories going to be?"

I immediately thought about memories I didn't want to have, like...my kids watching TV while I finished a project upstairs, or lecturing Johnny for not putting something away right,  or being too tired to go do something fun so just telling them to go play while I laid down, or going out and doing something fun, but being so stressed that I don't enjoy the moment. A fear gripped me that my kids were going to grow up, and these were the memories and regrets I would relive over and over again; or worse, that I would look back on this time and think: "What did I do with my kids when they were young?"

Well, I resolved right then (always at four in the morning) and there: that isn't going to be my story.
I started assembling every mothering hope and dream from the recesses of my mind. I began formulating a game plan. New images started reeling through my mind of the perfect mother making these perfect memories. We were going to play games together, go on hikes after school, work as a team side by side to keep the house clean, we were going to read more often,  and on and on.
My panic turned to excitement.... then turned to (very) overwhelmed; because hello, it's not like I wake up every morning with intentions of neglecting a day with my kids. Most days, I wake up excited to rock my kids' world. I typically wake up determined to manifest to my children  how amazing this life is, how limitless their potential is, and how much their mom loves them. Despite my sincerity in those early moments every morning, some days it is hard to follow through. Hence the predicament and panic I found myself in.

Saturday morning, my panic-turned-excitement-turned-overwhelmed...now transformed to a very sincere discouragement. Who was I kidding? What business did I have resetting failed goals? I thought, "My poor kids. I really think I'm ruining them. I love them, but they probably don't even know it....how could they know it?"

As I laid there, I let myself swim around in those self deprecating thoughts.  My heart was heavy.
I wish I could say I turned it around, but Matthew came waddling in my room and needed a 4:00 am bath. So, I set to taking care of him. After he was all clean, dry, and comfy;  we crawled into his bed, and he eventually fell asleep after kissing me on: both cheeks, my nose, and my forehead multiple times. When I woke up thirty minutes later with his little hand on my cheek, I thanked God for little moments like that.
I slipped back to my bedroom to find Johnny talking with John. He turned around and saw me, and I saw an instant relief in his face. John was convincing him that I disappeared, and wasn't coming back. (Yeah, I don't get John's sense of humor sometimes either. Haha.) Johnny went on to talk about all the reasons he would be sad if I was gone. I couldn't help but look at that shirtless, sleepy-eyed boy and melt over his tender heart.
The day went on and there were good moments and, admittedly, more moments I regret. My worries haunted me and despite all my brainstormed solutions, I felt very stuck, discouraged, and disappointed with my weaknesses as a mother.
I don't typically take pictures of the not-so-awesome moments, but here are a couple of my highlights:

Our kids are starting to really enjoy playing games these days, and we are really eating it up. (Even if William and Matthew just try to make patterns)

Caity and Johnny made submarines with built in cell phones! (Yes, they slid said submarines down the stairs!)

WE GOT A PIANO on Saturday! My husband loves me. :)

And what do you know....Caity recorded my not so good moment for me a few days ago:

So yes there are definite good moments among the blunders, but I still hadn't felt settled going to sleep Saturday night.

Which finds me here again at four in the morning; listening to rain drizzle outside, feeling a little lost.

Yet, in my darkest fears and weakness; I can recognize a sliver of hope. This hope isn't based off of aspiring goals or resolutions,  but this hope that comes from the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. This brand of hope is based off something more authentic and substantial than any self-made to-do list could possibly do. Despite my inabilities, I know things can still work out. How?

Through Jesus Christ, my Savior. He, alone, can redeem me in my sorrows, regrets, and daily struggles.
Because of Him, I know the weight of mistakes I've made can be lifted. Instead of regret, I can feel peace, hope, and understanding.  This happens through His atonement for me, for each of us. I also know Jesus' grace can enable me to rise above my shortcomings, and I can be made more capable then when I try on my own.

Yes, I don't have a lot of time left with the kids. And there have been days that were maybe wasted and there are realistically going to be more days where I will drop the ball. Yet: it will be OK. Because through Christ we can weave those days into our life's beautiful tapestry. The magnificent thing about the Savior's grace is that not only does He resolve our shortcomings and pains, but he magnifies our joys and successes.  So the beautiful tapestry we are weaving highlights these ups and downs and in-betweens into a breathtaking masterpiece of a life lived with the light of God. He doesn't expect perfection, but he does need us to keep weaving. Even on the hard days, we need to keep weaving our story. As we rely on Jesus Christ, our tapestry, our life, can testify the beauty of His grace and spread the joy His message brings.
So loooong winded post-short: despite my many shortcomings as a mother and well, as a person in general; I know it's going to be OK. Not because of some master plan of mine, but because of the Master's Plan for me. So, I'll keep trying and keep holding on and have faith that in the end it will all work out.
How grateful I am for my Savior, Jesus Christ.
His power is real. I have felt it sustain me and I know it will continue to do so as I turn to Him.
Here's to trying again. Then again. And letting go of fears so I can embrace faith and enjoy the Journey.