November the First

Well, it's that time of year again. 

Every November first I find myself in a state of grateful grief. Father Time seems to loom over me, as I contemplate the closed door of yesterday. I want to remember how I feel in this moment of slow motion nostalgia. Every year as Halloween ends, it is a hard pill to swallow recognizing next year my kids will be taller, older, and their current interests will shift along in the passing year. November first brings with it a reality check:  time is not something I can freeze because I will it do so. As I sit amongst leaf collections and candy wrappers, I let myself relish what wonderful, fun stages my kids are in. I am crying at my kitchen table, you see. Isn't that a little silly? Of course it is. Yet here I am, weepy as can be as I recreate the images of my kids running around the living room last night, excited for Trick or Treating.  I let my heart settle into yesterday's moment:

I see Caity's confidence and giddy joy as she looks in the mirror absorbing the creepy make-up and snakes pinned in her hair. 

I see Johnny waltzing around the house with his newspape' singing "That's my cigar, you'll steal a nuddah!" 

I feel the impact of William and Matthew, (or should I say Black Panther and Spiderman?) as they pummel into me while they wrestle. 

William's vampire teeth. 

Caity's Medusa pumpkin. 

Matthew's costume hanging by a safety pin. 

Johnny sleeping in his Newsie's hat. 

Four pumpkins lined up in a row.

Kids running full speed house to house. 

Crunchy leaves.

Candy dumped, organized, traded. 

Achy feet, proud smiles.

Witch's stew and apple cider.

Late night chats with friends.

Sleepy and satisfied kids dragging their tired bodies to bed.

It's amazing how invincible they feel in their costumes. Next year, there will be new costumes. Every child will be a year older, and their interests will evolve. October was special this year because my kids were home with me every day due to the pandemic. We had so many fun treats, played silly Halloween games, listened to festive music, watched spooky movies, and cuddled every day to read fun Halloween books. 

Something about Halloween night makes me feel the entire spectrum of my life instantaneously. I am a kindergarten little Bo Peep trading candy with my brothers, a seven year old Mary Quite Contrary sneaking Jack-O-Lantern sugar cookies from the kitchen. I am a ten year old lady bug sprinting to the next house, a sixteen year old girl going to Twisted Flicks in Seattle, a newly wed screaming through the Haunted Mill with John, a new mom walking a little pumpkin newborn in a stroller around Smith park, a twenty four year old playing carnival games with my toddler tiger and preschooler lady bug, a twenty-seven year old chasing a little lion around the trunk or treat, a twenty-nine year old carrying Hulk door to door, a thirty-one year old throwing leaves at my kids as we raced down the Orenco streets, a thirty-two year old planning class parties and organizing the Harvest Carnival at school....and now...a mom crying because her kids are getting older and it has been such a fun run so far, and I feel grateful and overwhelmed by all the good.

October, I already miss you. Thank you for giving me so many sweet, lovely moments. I hope they never lose their vibrancy. Tomorrow I will take down the ghosts, skeletons, and Jack-o-Lantern faces and settle into November. How wonderful that I have a whole year before next Halloween to spend with my family and cherish the time as it comes, and not always as it passes. 

Left over pumpkin carving mess that greeted me this morning.